Before you begin, read the previous articles on Criticism and Fear. This will make so much more sense if you do.
When someone offers you critical feedback take these 10 Steps to hear and manage it effectively.
1) Take a breath, then take another breath, and then one more. Before considering or listening to any type of feedback, breathe. Your brain is going to need the oxygen to stay rational.
2) Remind yourself that what is happening is just words and thoughts, and none of it is harmful. You know the old saying, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me?” Well that is true. These are just someone’s opinions, not facts. Right or wrong, true or false, they are just an opinion. You will get to decide whether you want to believe in them enough to do anything about them. You will get to decide if there is any truth in them.
3) Set aside what you think the person is talking about, set aside your judgments of the person themselves, and be open to actually listening to what they are saying with your heart. Whether you like them or care about their opinion or not, set that aside so you can actually hear them. Even liking someone and truly caring what they think can make it harder to listen to.
4) Do not nitpick the statement. The person may not get all the details “right”. No one’s memory of an event is perfect, including yours. Where they see that something happened like this, you might perceive it like that. With no judgment of right or wrong, just hear them. Behind whatever facts you may differ on is the reason they believe the facts the way they do. Try to hear that. If you cannot hear it, ask clarifying questions. Try to avoid starting the questions with “why” though. The word “why” tends to cause defensiveness for some reason, like if I were to ask, “Why do you think that?” Right away you are like, “What, why shouldn’t I think it?” Instead try more like, “Can you tell me more about when you started to think that way about . . .?” Maybe even try to get behind it and ask, “Does what happened remind you of anything else about me or anyone else?” There may be a list of things that are bolstering their perception. Whatever they are trying to say, try to hear the reason behind it. They are likely afraid of something too. Find out what that is about? Keep in mind, if you are responding defensively, you will not be able to hear any of that. Keep breathing and reminding yourself that you are not in any real danger. It’s just words and thoughts, opinions, not truth.
5) Take a moment to consider what is being said. You may not be able to respond right away. Ask for some time to consider what they have said before responding if you need to. While considering it, you are not looking for ways in which you can prove the person is wrong or looking for ways they are “right”, you are looking for possible truths within the information presented. You are not looking to validate their exact truth, or validate your own truth. You are seeking any truths in the information. Meditate on it. Consider it. Try to see it from the other person’s perspective or world view. Be as neutral as you can be. Do not judge it for any “value” such as right or wrong, good or bad, just examine it for truth.
For example: Someone might say that I was a bully because I used strong language to express my point in a conversation. They further attempt to prove their point by saying that I yelled at them. This will push my personal buttons, as I mentioned before. I will need to take a breath, listen fully to their accounting of the situation and then look for the truth. The truth will probably be that I did indeed used strong language, meaning I may have used swear words, and I may also have used power words like, “essential, critical, should, have to etc..” It is also probably true that if I was feeling passionate about something that I raised my voice to express that passion. I consider the situation being discussed, and if I might have done those things, and I will probably see that I did. I am not validating that I was being a bully, however. That is more of a judgement of my actions as bad or negative. I don’t have to agree with that to accept the parts of what is being said as true that are true. If I get defensive, I will instead focus on disproving I am a bully and not even consider that there is truth to what is being said. I have to stay calm and rational and try to see what they see.
It is also possible that I will not see any truth in what they are saying. I look back at the situation and remember that I was conscious of my words, tone and volume and remember that I was successful at controlling it. In this case, it is possible that the reason this person thinks and remembers how they do has nothing to do with my actions, but something within themselves. Perhaps anytime anyone does not agree with them, they perceive the person as being a bully. I have experienced this with a few people in my life, and I really had controlled myself well. I do not have to agree or disagree with their perception. I need only to consider it and see it for what it is in comparison to what my experience was.
6) Apologize for the truth and any negative impact it had on others. I can say, “I realize I did use strong language and raised my voice that was offensive to you. I am sorry for acting in this way.” The period here is essential. End the sentence with the apology. Often we are ready to defend, so we might be tempted to apologize end that with a comma and then follow that with the words, “but I . . .” as we defend the actions we used. People are not interested in our defense against their judgments. Truly, if we are sincere in our apologies, it often takes the wind right out of their sails. They might be ready for a fight, but apologizing will stop the fight right there. For more on this, see my blogs tagged for Ho’ oponopono or google that.
If I did not see any truth in what the perceived, I can still apologize for my actions creating that opinion. Perhaps I was that way with that person in a previous conversation that they did not bring up to me, which is what caused them to see me that way this time. Who knows? As I am imperfect, I can never apologize more than the mistakes that I have made in my lifetime, even if some of the apologies go to the wrong people. No harm to me in that. I am putting my accountability into the universe.
7) Do not use the information to beat yourself up. While there is always some truth in what others think of us, it is not who we are. I am not my actions or thoughts or words etc. I am more than all of that. Recall who you are, your core values and beliefs. Recall your intentions in that situation. Wrong or right, good or bad, who are you? If the person was right on the mark, if for example, I was being a bully, that still doesn’t mean I am a bully. It means I was bullying in that incident. I do not have to have that mean I am a horrible person and should not live. Trust me, I have gone there plenty of times to know you do not need to go there. It is information to use to benefit you and your relationships to others. Use it for that, not as a bat against your own head.
8) Which brings us to this, affirm who you are to yourself. Remember, that even if people see your actions for what they are and interpret them in a negative way, that does mean you are those actions. Look into your own perceptions and reasons for being the way you were in that situation. Were you being true to your own values and beliefs of how you want to react to the world? Are you a bully? I am not. I know that I am not, even when I am perceived as such, I know that I am not a bully anymore. I care about other humans and am never intentionally trying to hurt them now. Bullies do not care about others only themselves, and do what they do intentionally to put others down and raise themselves up. That is not who I am anymore. Who are you? Just because you do this or that, make a mistake, step on a toe or two, that does not make you a bad person. You are human. What is your core? Our core is Love! Right? Remember that, and then forgive yourself and affirm your personal value and values.
9) Be responsible. Make a commitment to yourself, and if it makes sense, to the other person, to work on the actions moving forward. You don’t have to change who you are, just consider your audience when speaking or acting and attempt to accommodate them as best as you can without compromising your values. Be committed to taking action in that direction. For example, I know that certain people I work with do not like any swearing. When I am talking with them, I am more careful to not use any swear words. I also do my best when I send emails to make them as brief as possible and only cover one topic at a time, because some people find my tendencies to wordiness overwhelming, which makes it hard to read my emails. Same thing with online or in person curriculum or lessons. Less words works better for many people, so I try. Even in my blog, I try to be less wordy, so that it is easier for some people to read it. I am not compromising my values. I am adjusting to my audience as I am able. If you have read my blog, you know that I am still very wordy, but this is me trying to be less so. In other words, use the information to grow as a person. Can you work on calming your passion in certain situations so that you are less intimidating? That’s the downside of passion, by the way, if others are intimidated by it, it can shut down conversation and collaboration. Save your passion for those who share it completely! With those that might not, hold back a little. It won’t kill you. It might even create opportunities for more connections with others.
10) LTSG: Let That Shit Go! Once you have done what you need to do with any information, let it go. There is no need to keep worrying about it, keep obsessing over it, or trying to think of ways to make it right. Do what you need to do, make the commitment you need to make, and then do your best to stick to it. You do not need to hold onto any feelings or thoughts related to the incident. Doing so will only fuel any fear you have about interacting with certain people or certain types of people. Fear leads to defensiveness. Defensiveness leads to immaturity, separation, and suffering for everyone. You cannot demonstrate brave vulnerability and also be defensive! Let down the guard and listen. Own it. Use it. Do it. Then let it go.
-Namaste