Byron Katie is the author and creator of The Work. You can find lots of free information on this strategy at thework.com. In summary, The Work provides a framework to question our thoughts about ourselves, other people, the world around us, events, situations, etc. Any thought you can have, can be questioned.
The first 2 questions of the Work are: 1) Is that true? Meaning, is the thought you are having a fact, truth, etc.? and 2) Can you absolutely know that it is true? Meaning, if you say, “Yes” it’s true, are you absolutely sure you can verify that it is true? My take away from listening to Katie do the Work with people over and over again was that no thoughts can be true, and that the answer to both 1 and 2 are always, “No.” I have changed my mind on that.
I am beginning to realize that there are things that are true, however, if I accept that it is true and reality is what it is, and that since it is reality, it must be what is supposed to be true, I have no problems. Everything that is, is as it should be, so true or not true, if I except a thought as being exactly as it is meant to be, there is no problem.
For example, I might have a thought that someone does not like me. That may or may not be true. In fact, I now don’t think it even matters if it is true or not. What matters is how I respond to it being true. That brings us to the 3rd and 4th questions: 3) How do you react when you think that thought? And 4) Who could you be without that thought? If I am suffering over a thought that I think is true, how I am reacting to it is with resistance. I am thinking, that “should not” be true, whatever it is. Taking my example, if I am upset that someone does not like me, then I am reacting to the thought that I am not liked with resistance to it being what should be true. I am thinking an additional thought of, “I should be liked, they should like me, it is wrong to not be liked by someone, etc.” That is the thought that is not true, based on questions 1 and 2. The reaction to it being true is to have a thought that is not true, and then I fight reality of it being true and I am now suffering full on. How do I know that the reactive thought is not true, because the reactive thought is that the truth is wrong. If reality is, I am not liked, and I try to say that is wrong, I am fighting what is real, and that will always be disappointing.
It holds for all kinds of thoughts I might have. Most of them involve what other people should be doing, what I should be doing, what people should not be doing, what I should not be doing etc. What is real, is that people do what they do, and whatever they do is what they should be doing. I know this because it is what they are doing. If they were supposed to do something else, that is what they would be doing. Reality is what it is. We cannot change it from what it is, and so fighting with it is futile, “Resistance is Futile!” (in the immortal words of the Borg.)
What to do about it then? Questions 1 and 2 about is it true are valid. If you can see how it is not true and that allows it to let go of you, then you are all good, but I suggest that the rest of the exercise might still be beneficial. I often see easily and immediately that the thing I think is true is not, or if it is, that my response to it is resistance to it being true, and that thought is not true. Sometimes I just stop there. However, if I keep going to 3 and 4, I realize what my resistance is creating in me, and who I could be if it let go of me, and that can be very powerful. I have spent much time spinning my wheels trying to make people like me and getting upset when they don’t. In fact, the trying to get people to like me often is why they do not like me. I have realized that no matter what I do, some people will not like me. So, instead of trying to be liked, I try to develop a set of beliefs and values that I can be true to in my actions and ways. If I am true to myself and my choices for who I want to be, some people will like me, and some people will not, and I don’t need to worry about which are which.
Get to the bottom of your suffering. Sometimes it is deeper than if you think something is real or true or not. All of my teachers, and so do I, believe that suffering comes from fighting what is, fighting reality. When we can understand that what is real is what is supposed to be, then we can let go of a need to change the past or manipulate the future and just be here right now. Right here, right now, the world is perfect, and I am happy always. I am not in danger. I am not unloved. I am not being rejected. None of that is now, all of that is past or future. In this moment, the only reality is the one I make, and I can choose to make it full of compassion, love and gratitude.
-Namaste