I got a new tattoo yesterday. It is a stylized semicolon. A semicolon in grammar represents a link between two thoughts. The thoughts could be separated by a period, but the semicolon indicates a continuation of a thought to an additional thought. The semicolon project was started by a woman whose father took his own life. Suicide is a preventable cause of death. The woman who started the project wanted to honor her dad and bring attention to a sometimes lethal condition of depression.
Mental health carries with it a stigma and a resistance for people to open up and talk about how they are feeling and to be strong enough to ask for help. That stigma and resistance is often why people’s lives end in suicide. They do not have the courage, understanding, or the words to talk about their pain, and so it grows to the point of not being able to see any other way to get rid of it other than to be dead. The semicolon offers hope, a statement of continuation, not giving up and making a commitment to keep trying and keep living.
I have dealt with that decision of how to end my pain. I had plans. I even tried with a half heart for it. Under it I was not afraid to die. I was afraid to live. My choice to keep living each day was a challenge. It took a lot of courage. I choose to live with my pain every day, and to work hard to change my life so I was not in so much pain. There were many sacrifices in order to get to my current place. There was a great deal of struggle and ups and downs. I have come this far, and do not intend to end my journey any time soon. Life is still hard sometimes, but I have learned a great number of skills that allow me to live and feel more peace on a daily basis.
Part of what my blog is about is sharing what I have learned with others. I began considering suicide as a serious option in high school. The last time it was an option on the table for me was in the mid/late 90’s. I have had 20 some years to learn and practice how to keep my life going; to use a semicolon instead of a period to punctuate my life.
I chose to support this movement of the semicolon project by getting a tattoo myself because I believe in life and in supporting others to feel safer and more confident in choosing life. Since I have begun teaching others what I have learned, the universe has continued to bring people into my life who also are engaged in battles for their lives or are connected to people either battling to live or have made their choice to quit the fight. My brother-in-law took his life a little over a year ago. No one knew it was coming. He didn’t tell anyone about his battle for his life. He looked on the outside like a man who had everything. He had a loving family, a successful business, and large community of friends and supporters. He was a pillar of leadership in his life, and he was in so much pain he could not see another way to relieve it. He could not see a win to his battle, and chose to stop fighting. His family and friends were devastated. So much anger, so much guilt, how do you reconcile something like this?
My wife also had a boyfriend who died by suicide in high school. The two events together have been a struggle for her. In my circle of newer friends there are several people who have lost people to suicide recently. I also know of a few who have or are currently struggling with those thoughts themselves.
My spiritual guides brought me through my struggles, and I feel I have won my war, and there are no more serious battles to fight. There may be little things, but nothing like what was there before. Now, my guides are bringing me individuals touched by this illness and facing similar battles. There is purpose to my struggle, to be here now for those who are connected to this challenge in their lives. My goal is not one of importance, it is more of a purpose and a goal of fulfillment. I am here to guide others on their journeys and support them to find their connection to their higher selves so that they can too find a way to use a semicolon to keep going rather than a period to end it.
Getting the tattoo is about stating confidently that I am here. I am here for anyone who needs a friend or a teacher. I am happy to be either or both. Whether you are struggling with suicide in your life or not there is joy in growing and learning how to manage your journey in this plain of existence. There is also value in just having someone to walk beside you as you journey. Even if you are not sure you are ready for any of the ideas I am teaching, that is okay. Patience is a skill I have learned. Walking slowly down a path is more impactful than running through our lives. I am 52. I have been working on this since high school. That means I have had 34+ years of work and practice, which also means I did not learn this over night. I am kind of a slow learner on some things.
I had human guides and spirit guides who helped me along the way. I would not be here without them. If I can be but one person who makes a difference in someone else’s journey, then I will have balanced some of the energy others have invested in mine. I am here. I am here for a purpose, to give back to the universe what I have been given, education and support to learn some really awesome things. I am still learning. I will never stop and am happy to walk with others on their learning paths.
The design of the tattoo is significant too. I’ve already talked about why it looks like a semicolon. The other parts of the design have meaning too. The top part looking like a yin yang symbol is intentional. One of the most important lessons I have learned is about balance. There is dark and light in every life. It is supposed to be there. Darkness is the only way we notice the light. If it is always light, we are not aware of the lightness we experience. For all ups there are downs, for all sorrows there is also joy. This lesson also taught me that because there is balance in the universe, nothing is permanent. It is all fleeting. No sorrow lasts forever. No joy lasts forever. Appreciating the joys and love in our lives supports us when the dark times come. They can carry us through. Seeing the light within darkness can be hard sometimes. That is another lesson I have learned. It is the lesson of seeing that life happens for us, not to us.
That is the other symbol in the bottom comma part of the semicolon. Within that curved punctuation I put a symbol that is part of my daily mantra, Om Mani Padme Hum Hri. There are several ways to pronounce and spell it in English. The symbols in the Tibetan writing are the same though. The symbols for Padme are usually combined into one, but are also separated by syllables sometimes. On my other tattoo there is a lotus with all of the mantra’s symbols separated by syllables. The one that represents focus on the perfection of perseverance is the two characters represented in the bottom part of my semicolon. They are part of one syllable and one complete symbol. Usually they are side by side, but they fit so perfectly in the semicolon like this, that I had to include them this way. The bottom character doesn’t usually look so much like a 5, but a 5 is meaningful too.
In Tarot, the cards 1-10 of each minor suit represent a complete journey. 5’s are the middle of the journey. They can represent loss, conflict, chaos and/or opportunity. In all of those situations a person is being presented with choices in their life, and opportunity to choose how to move to the next half of their journey. A journey through depression is all of those things. It brings with it loss, conflict, chaos and opportunity to choose a way to keep going. The 5 in the major arcana is the Hierophant. The Hierophant represents living faith in everyday life, the bridge between theory and practice of that faith and learning. I get that card in my readings for myself all of the time. It also comes up in other people’s readings, and in some cases it represents me in their life. So, 5’s are a part of my journey and symbolism in the tattoo too.
For me, tattoos are permanent art, and on my body they have to have a meaningful purpose. When you see my semicolon tattoo, know it means that I have an understanding of what your journey through depression or someone you love’s journey through depression might be like. I cannot know anyone’s exact journey and pain. What I can know, is that journey is hard, and in it, we can all use a friend or mentor to be there with us. Know that I am here to walk with you on that journey and share any of what I know with you that might make your journey more meaningful. You can choose a semicolon. You can choose to keep going, to persevere in your life. I am here to support you in that choice, if you want me to be.