When someone dies from suicide, those left alive ask “why?” I think sometimes it is obvious why some people choose to end their own lives after years battling illness either in their bodies or their souls. Still there are so many times when those looking in from the outside do not see the extent of someone’s suffering, pain, and illness, and so they are left asking, “why?” Other times we see the pain and suffering, and wonder why the person didn’t try to change it, or do anything to get better, or whatever else we think they should have done to save their lives.
Having lived significant portions of my life making daily choices to live or die, and sometimes choosing to die, I truly get it. On the days I chose to die, I had a plan. I took steps to gather what I needed to carry it out, and then something divine intervened, and I made a different choice. Sometimes that divine intervention was from within my own soul, my higher self calling out to me telling me that it would be okay, and it was not yet time. Sometimes it was from outside of me, someone else saying to me that it would be okay, and it was not yet time. Those were never the words other people said, but something they said, something they did, told me that was how it was. I had several stays in hospitals fighting for my life. In the end, I always choose to wait, to keep going. That is the definition of the semi-colon tattoo I and others have. It is a symbol that life can go on. You can keep going. There can be life after this pain. Within my tattoo there is also a Tibetan symbol for perseverance. That is what my struggles have taught me, to persevere.
When I look around me at so many people in my life, they seem to be struggling with so much pain, fear, disappointment, and suffering under so much pressure to be something other than who they are. They feel like they never have enough, are enough, do enough. They make choices based on what they should do for fear of not being loved, accepted, safe, good, right, etc. They try to make other people feel certain things, be certain things, think certain things. I have learned that we cannot make others be, do, or think anything. It is their choice, always. While we might have influence, we cannot control another person. We sometimes cannot event control ourselves. That lack of control over self and other is exactly what is causing all of the pain, suffering and struggling that people are doing, and it is killing them, all of them.
While I do not know if anyone in my expanse of human connections is currently considering suicide, that is one possibility. Aside from that, all of the fear, pushing, judging, struggling for some sort of control over something, is causing their bodies to be sick. It is putting so much stress on their cells, systems and psyche that they are not well, emotionally and physically. I too still have a lot of pain in my life, physically. I spent about 38 years living under that pressure and pain to be something I am not, to control something I cannot, and do something I could not. I was afraid all of the time. I was angry all of the time. I destroyed my immune system by telling it that it was constantly under threat. I destroyed my joints, skin, and organs by constantly telling them that they were under threat. I continue to feel the pain of recovering from that constant emotional and physical fight and flight mode.Â
I am not living that life anymore. I am not inside that constant struggle anymore, and I do still feel its effects daily. My new way of living is peaceful. Not that I do not experience anger, fear, frustration, it just isn’t constant and continually underlying everything. It comes with a situation, I deal with it, and I release it. I allow my body to respond, and then to recover. That was not what I did before. My body never had a chance to recover because it was constantly on alert. That is what created my current chronic conditions. I turned on my genes for so many disordered systems. I am working to turn them back off, and my work is paying off. My meditation and spiritual practices are for that purpose. My body can heal itself.
I had 38 years of suffering and torturing my body and soul. I am now 53, it might take a minute for them to heal. I only started understanding how to work on it in the last 3 years, so that isn’t that long at all. Even though at 38 I made a decision to be different and stop the cycle, it took several more years to actually stop it. Then several more years to learn to not start it back up again every time something didn’t go well. I am learning patience with myself and others. I am always learning to let go of my need to control things. It is not something I did, and now it is done. It is something I did, and now I am still working on learning to keep it that way. I am also learning how to heal my body’s cells, which I realize might take some time to do. It’s a big repair job.
I want so much for the people who I love and care about. I do not want them to suffer like I have. I do not want them to die like others have, not able to go on with the pain, suffering, fear, pressure to be and do something you just can’t seem to be or do. I don’t want them to live in sickness and pain because they are and have tortured their bodies and souls over this idea of who they “should” be, what they “should” have, and how life “should” be. I also know, that I cannot create the peace in their lives for them. They will have to find it themselves, as I have had to do. It is their journey to live.
The message I have for all of us is this: If you are struggling with a life of fear and pressure to control things, there is hope of life without this pain. You will need to learn a new way to see things and think about things, and that new way is real, and is accessible to you. It can take a long time, or no time at all, to find and use. Just remember, if you can, where you are at in this exact moment is exactly where you are supposed to be on your journey. Pause, look around you, be here, right now, and know that you are safe, strong, supported and abundant. You can choose to be alive, to thrive, and be happy. If you need support to do this, you can ask for support. There are people who love you and want to support you to be exactly who you are meant to be, which is who you are right now. You are enough, always, and perfectly, exactly who you are meant to be, a being of love and light. You can choose to shine. It is, “One step at a time,” time. I survived because above all else, I was loved, and I knew it. When people forget that, the battle seems all lost.
Meditation Mantra – I am perfectly, exactly, who I am supposed to be, always. I choose to live without the fear, pressure, and pain of trying to control things. I choose to just be, grow and learn as best as I can, and that is more than good enough.
Namaste, I see you, and I love you