If you didn’t read the past article, “The Chosen One,” you might find this article more coherent with that background information. In summary though, we are taught that we should conform to the ideals of others in order to get them to choose us as life partners, and we are happy being chosen for a time, but then we wake up one day and realize that we lost ourselves trying to please another person, and are miserable. This is not sexy, and in my opinion, why there is divorce. If we started out being ourselves, excepting others as their selves, and we grew together as humans, divorce might not be needed. It is also possible that marriage would also not be needed, but that is another article.
This is about sexy. What do humans find sexy? What turns us on? What turns us off? What causes arousal in our minds and bodies? I have been thinking a lot about this because when I show up in the world as myself, my kind, honest, authentic, generous, supportive, loving, vulnerable, emotional, nurturing self, I am not seen as sexy. I get friend zoned almost immediately. I really am looking for someone who wants a sensitive and tender human as a sexy partner, but seems like that isn’t sexy to some people. I have started to wonder why that is.
I also wonder why I keep thinking that a person who does not find me sexy is still sexy to me. You would think that as soon as they say, “I’m sorry, you are not sexy to me.” I would be like, “Well, okay, you not thinking I am sexy is a turn off to me, and you are not sexy to me anymore.” I do not say that. I do work hard to not go to the, “What is wrong with me?” shame zone. I work hard to not go there, and still I have went there several times. I am not there now. I realize intellectually that if another person does not think I am sexy, well, then I don’t think that is sexy. I want someone to think kindness is sexy. I want someone to thinks being sensitive and vulnerable is sexy. On the dating sites, this is what women say that they think is sexy. That means I have a shot, right?
People say that a person’s heart is what makes them sexy. If someone is kind and sweet and loving, they are sexy. If they have emotions, share them, can express true feelings and work through things, that is sexy. If they care for and support others, that is sexy.
I worry though because that is who I am, how I act when I am my true and authentic self, and yet people have not thought that is sexy. I am beginning to wonder if sometimes it is what people want to think is sexy, but then actually find it boring instead. When being treated with unconditional love, there isn’t a lot of drama. If there is drama, it is coming from the other person. I am beginning to think that the drama is what some people think is sexy. They also hate the drama and when they start to feel unsafe and unloved, they leave a relationship because it is toxic, but it is actually what attracted them to the relationship in the first place.
I was one of those people. Chemistry, the passion, the drama, the make up sex, all very sexy things, until the toxic overload of those dramatic scenes became painful. I was living in fear and suffering because of the passion and drama, and had to leave. I wanted peace not drama. I wanted boring, not stress. Still, I keep being attracted to people who don’t want that peace and don’t find the boring, kind human sexy. There must be something in me that finds that drama, the chase, the rejection sexy. It is quite a dance I am doing.
I start every day saying that today I will be myself. I will be kind. I will be generous. I will be all of the things that are unconditional love. I will also be confident that who I am is sexy, beautiful, and worthy of love. Most days, that works well, and I feel loved and lovable, but since no one currently finds me sexy and wants to be physical with me, I also have my days of doubting.
I know I am not a jerk. I know my exes might argue that I am a jerk for leaving them, and how they felt I treated them. I am certain that as a human, I got it wrong all of the time. I was always trying to be authentic and express unconditional love, and I got it wrong, a lot. I am getting it right more consistently now in my life. I am doing a great job at this, and also trying so hard to stay humble in that belief. I am trying to just be myself, and knowing that some people will find me boring, others will find me overwhelming, others might actually find me sexy. We shall see.
I am also working on what I find attractive and sexy. I notice that I skip over certain photos because there is something about the person’s looks that is a turn off. I know that it is because I have biases about how people look and what that means their personality is. Like, I tend to find heavier people more attractive than thin people. But that is due to a bias that I think thin people won’t like food as much as me, they will judge me and be critical of me being overweight, and push me to be healthier, which I do not want. I also am completely aware that this bias is inaccurate as a general statement. Heavy people will possibly judge my overweightness and obsession with food, and skinny people might not even care about my weight or food issues. I am trying to let go of my bias against skinny people because they are humans, and they might not fit my stereo types of skinny people.
I also have biases against traditionally “pretty” people. If someone is too “pretty”, I assume that they will not like me or think I am attractive, so I do not find them attractive. I have been trying to reach out to people who I think fit that pretty stereo type and give them a chance to be different from my biases against them.
I am working through these and other biases as I choose people online to reach out to. I am trying not to just dismiss someone because of their looks. I am trying to read their profiles, and see if we match on values and ideals. It is challenging though. I want to be a person that finds a person’s personality more sexy than looks. I want to be a person who is attracted not to a person’s genitals, or what I think their genitals look like, but attracted to the person as a human and what we might share in terms of values, goals, likes, dislikes, etc. I want to find humans sexy and be turned on by a spiritual and emotional connection. I am actually doing pretty good on that front. I have gone outside my typical comfort zone of who to reach out to and tried to connect with people whose profiles are attractive instead of just their photos.
What if we could all find nice sexy? What if we all wanted to be kind and generous? What if we all thought that kind and generous humans were the sexiest humans? In the movies, the nice guy does not get the girl unless he is also the traditionally hot guy. If there are two hot guys, the nicer one might eventually get the girl, but the jerk is always the one who has the girl in the beginning. Where is the movie where the nice guy, who might not fit the Brad Pitt idea of physically sexy but treats people decent, is loving and vulnerable, who actually knows how to love others is the one who is seen as the desired and sexy man? I know that movie won’t make money, but I’d like to see it. I’d like to see my role model be loved and seen as sexy. In movies, guys like me are the friends who advise the sexy guys how to get the girl. Hitch, is the exception to this particular rule, by the way. Love me some Kevin James in that one. However, the hot guy also gets the hot girl in that one too. AND the movie is focused on the hot mess of a guy getting the hot mess of a girl, not really on the Kevin James guy. Why can’t we be the hero and the star?
This is also true for women, in fact, probably more true for women in movies. The girl who is not traditionally hot can’t get a date and the hot friend has all the guys and is disappointed they are not good men. If the hot guy somehow falls for the not hot girl, by the end of the movie she has been made over to be the hot girl, and is also sometimes now the mean girl. These are not actual people. They are actors playing parts and not how actual life is, right? But how exciting would a movie be if average people who were kind and loving to one another made a movie. I would watch it, but our society is often more attracted to the drama than the actual love. See the Notebook.
My challenge to humans is this, if you are asking the universe to bring you a partner who loves you, is kind, is compassionate and vulnerable. Someone who takes care of you and treats you well, when he or she shows up, find them attractive. See them as hot, sexy, and desirable. Don’t write them off because of something about their appearance. Give good people a chance. I promise that I will do the same. I will look for someone whose personality is a match and not look for looks. I will give pretty people a chance to not be shallow. I will give other people I am not usually attracted to a chance to be sexy for reasons other than their looks. I will also not compromise on who I am. I will continue to work to be myself and know that someone will find that sexy too.
Reading this, I sound kind of angry that people have “friend zoned” me and written off my sexiness because I am nice. I am not sure that my kindness is what made me unsexy to those who friended me. I think that is true, but not sure. I am also not angry about it. I see disappointed people on both sides of this equation. I am disappointed because people don’t think I am sexy. The people who friend me are also disappointed because they want a nice person like me in their life, but don’t find me sexy and sort of wish they did. It isn’t that simple, I know. I wish it were that simple. I wish it was as simple as finding the personality we seek more important than physical attraction.
My challenge is can we try to make it that simple, and what if it were that simple? It’s a challenge to create connections and bonds in unlikely places, for humans to stop trying so hard, and just be present and find desire and happiness in all things. It is a new dream for me. I no longer want to be chosen. I want to be myself. I want being myself to be a way to connect with someone who finds that attractive. I want to find myself sexy as I am. I also want that for other people, to find themselves sexy and to find others who are sexy and kind to them. We are all so anxious trying to prove our worth that we lose ourselves in the process and that anxiety causes us to be unkind and desperate. It is not good. It is not sexy and will fail to bring us joy.
-Namaste