Lesson 4: Ho’ oponopono, of accountability, responsibility, gratitude and love.
People have all kinds of interpretations, meanings, traditions, purposes etc. for Ho’ oponopono. I also have mine. The phrases of Ho’ O, which I will now call it, are simple:
- I’m sorry.
- Please forgive me.
- Thank you.
- I love you.
It’s 4 simple phrases that can mean everything to your inner world and sense of well-being.
Let’s break down the power of it. First off, humans are fearful beings. One of the things they are most afraid of is that others will think badly of them. I have many friends and family and they are pretty much all worried about what other people are thinking about them all of the time. Might just be the people I hang out with, but I am old, and I have known a lot of people in my lifetime, and I cannot recall a single one of the people I have known who didn’t worry about what others think at least a little bit. This worry about what others think is both natural and necessary, to a point, and then it becomes harmful and detrimental. Ho’ O is one way to keep it from becoming something harmful.
We need to worry about what other people think of us in order to create, have and maintain relationships with them. If we simply say, I am who I am and I don’t give a shit what others think of me, we are likely to become assholes that nobody likes and be very much alone. We do need to care what others think. We don’t need to be obsessed with it. We also don’t need to base what we think of ourselves on it. If someone has a thought about me that is negative or what I might think of as bad, like they think I am a jerk, or a bad person, I want to know this, most of the time. I want to know because it means that there is something about who I am that might need attention. If that person is willing to share with me their thoughts on why they think I am a jerk, I am willing to listen. I am afraid of this information. I get anxious about receiving it, and I am willing to do it anyway, because, I cannot grow without information. And once I get the information, I get to choose what I do with it. I can believe it. I can dismiss it. I can determine which pieces do and don’t actually match up with who I think I am or want to be, and I can be accountable for my actions.
Ho’ O’s first step, Accountability. I do not have to agree that I am a jerk to be accountable. I just need to own what I did, no judgement. That is the key to accountability both in holding someone else to it, and holding ourselves to it. Accountability is not an assignment of good or bad, right or wrong, or who will be punished. It is an ownership of action. I own my actions. You own yours.
In accountability, we own our own stuff, whatever it is. The judgement piece is not for us to determine. It is simply own it if it is yours. That means that if an action of yours was seen as harmful, damaging, or rude, you can own that action, not the resulting harm, damage or perceived rudeness, but you can own what you brought to the action. The answer is, “Yes, I did bring that action to the table. I own that energy that I brought. I own what I was feeling and thinking.” How it was perceived is not your accountability, but you own your action and acknowledge that the action impacted another person, intended or not. In the Ho’ O, that is the statement, “I’m sorry.” That is owning your actions. Are you above the line of Accountability, or below it? “I’m sorry,” says, “I am above the line, and I am accountable for what I do.”
Step 2 is Responsibility, that is when we take action. Own it, then act on it. After I own the action that may have been harmful to another, my
responsibility is to ask for the forgiveness. The asking is for the other person, not for you. You are asking for their forgiveness to support their healing. That is a little bit twisted and not the normal way most people think about this idea of forgiveness, so forgive me if it is confusing. Most people think of asking for forgiveness as getting something from the other person so they can feel better about themselves. Remember the action is yours. The hurt the other person created for themselves, but you still own your action, which resulted in harm, so you can support the other person to get over the hurt your action triggered by being a responsible person and asking for forgiveness. It does not matter if you think you were justified, right, or wrong in your action. It is not about you. It is about the other person who was harmed. You can help them over the harm by asking for forgiveness. Take action within the circle of what is Your Responsibility and decide to ask for forgiveness. Leave what is for others, to them.
Why? Because forgiveness is not for other people really. We tend to think the forgiveness act is for those being forgiven, but it is not. It benefits the one who does the forgiving. This is where it gets weird, so stay with me. When I forgive others, I release my hurt and anger, which doesn’t necessarily help the other person, because they are not the ones holding onto the hurt and anger, I am. (If they are holding onto hurt and anger, it isn’t the same energy I am holding onto. It’s their energy.) So, when I forgive, I release those hard feelings into the universe, transform them if I can, etc. In essence I heal myself by forgiving others. The release is to the energy I held; not whatever others hold.
In Ho’ O, when you ask for forgiveness by saying, “Please forgive me,” you are opening a door for the other person to heal, to let go of the hurt, and forgive you for the hurt your actions caused. You did not cause the hurt exactly, the actions triggered the person to be hurt, and they were your actions, so yes, you can help heal the hurt by asking for forgiveness. Accountability, own it, “I’m sorry.” Responsibility, take action, “Please forgive me.”
Step 3 gratitude, “Thank you.” The gratitude is for both you and the other person. You extend gratitude for the forgiveness you expect you will be given, and how that forgiveness will heal the other person. You are grateful for the opportunity to grow and learn, through accountability and responsibility. You are grateful for the relationship and connection you have with the other person, that can move on now from the hurt. You are grateful for the universe that allows healing energy to be shared by anyone in a Ho’ oponopono ritual.
Step 4 love, “I love you.” The love is universal. At our core all humans are 
beings of love. There is nothing greater we can give as a gift than to love unconditionally. You do not need the other person’s forgiveness to love them. You have asked for it, but remember, it is not for you to get the forgiveness. That forgiveness is not for you. It is for them, so whether you are given it or not, you can love them because that is unconditional. Love is unconditional, or it is not love at all. We can like with conditions, approve of people with conditions, be proud with conditions, but love, true love, is always unconditional or it is not love. So do not wait to be forgiven to bestow the love. It comes right away with no strings.
Now the twist. Ho’ oponpono is for you to be Accountable, Responsible, Grateful, and to Love others unconditionally, AND it is for you to do for yourself as well. When you forgive another person, that forgiveness does not help them directly, however, it does help you directly by allowing you to release energy that is being held onto in the form of, “I hold this against you.” The “this” can be many things, anger, hate, hurt, blame, guilt, shame, etc. Forgiveness releases that energy from your soul and body. In the Ho’ O, you are asking for forgiveness so that the other person can feel better by releasing that energy in forgiving you. What about your energy, and if they do not forgive you? If you hold onto the energy of that exchange, their forgiveness will not do anything for that energy you hold. They can forgive you or not forgive you, but that does nothing for you. It only releases their energy around the interaction. Question then is, why ask for forgiveness if it doesn’t help me? Because I am Mature, and that is accountable, responsible, grateful and love.
What about my energy then? Yes, you can also take care of your own energy. How do you think you might do that? Yes, exactly right! Ho’ O! However, this time, the Ho’ O energy is sent and said to yourself. To release the hurt and anger you hold, you need to give yourself permission to forgive both the other person and yourself. I have worked with a few people on the Ho’ O principles, and I can tell immediately when they are more concerned with the other person’s guilt than their own. They will say to me, don’t they need me to forgive them? Shouldn’t I be telling them I forgive them to set them free? Nope, whether you forgive them or not is not about them. That is about you. Grudges do not hurt other people; they are festering wounds inside your heart. Forgiving other people only helps release your wounds. It does not help them release theirs. They have to do that themselves. Saying, “They need me to forgive them,” is actually pretty arrogant. They do not need your forgiveness, you do. You need your forgiveness, of them and of yourself.
Asking for another person’s forgiveness may help them feel free and safe to forgive you, and so that is part of why we do it, to open that door. The actual forgiveness though, does not come from the asking, it comes from the person choosing it, which the asking may or may not create. Asking opens the door for healing, but the person still gets to choose if they want to walk through it or not. You cannot, and should not try, to control that. It is up to them to do or not do in their own time. Your responsibility is to ask and open the door. That is all. Own it, take action, be grateful and love. That is all you need to do. The rest is up to the other person.
Do the same for yourself too though. Own your actions for you, take action and ask yourself for forgiveness, that is open a forgiveness door for you, be grateful for whatever you can learn from everything, and be love unconditionally. Do the Ho’ O! Do it for you. Do it to show others the door to healing. Do it to show yourself the door to healing. Then go back to lesson 2, LTSG!!
One final note, you can do the Ho’ O with another person present. Say it to them out loud. That isn’t necessary and not always practical. If you send the Ho’ O energy out into the universe, it will find the right person and allow the door to open when the time is right. Send it out sincerely, with full intent of supporting their healing and being accountable, responsible, grateful and full of unconditional love, and they will get it when they need it. For yourself, say it in your mind, or out loud, daily. There is always room for the energy of healing and forgiveness. You do not necessarily need to begin fully believing in it. Repeating anything trains your mind to accept it and believe it. How often do you repeat unwanted or negative thoughts and they become true? Why not try a different approach? Repeat something that heals.
Namaste –