Noticing something is the first step to making a different choice. If I don’t notice I am doing, feeling, or thinking something, and that thing is causing my stress, illness or pain, I can’t do anything to change my situation. I will keep doing, feeling, or thinking the same things, and then I will continue to be distressed, sick, or in pain.
So, now that we notice it. That is, now that we notice when we are thinking, or reacting to change, in ways that cause us stress, what do we want to do about it? That is Action 2. Practicing making different choices. When you notice a pattern that has previously been stressful for you, when you notice you are feeling resistant, what will you do different next time?
It is impossible to learn something new by practicing it when it happens. In a moment of resistance or stress, when the change is actually happening, and you are reacting, it is nearly impossible to think of something new and do something new. Stress often has us falling back into old patterns. What else would we do if we don’t have any new patterns to try? We have to practice different ways of thinking and reacting without the stressors being present, so after the event happens, in hypothetical situations, or in anticipation of things.
Start by looking backward. Look back over your tracking of your resistance to change. Pick out the patterns of thinking and reacting that you find there. For each pattern you see, honor your past choices. Don’t dismiss them as bad choices. They were the best choices you knew how to make in that moment. Honor them as the best you could have done. When you learn something different, then you can do something different. Until then, honor that you did your best at that moment with what you knew. Looking at your patterns, what are they?
Do they look like, “I’m not good enough. People judge me. People are rude or mean. That’s not how it ‘should’ be, they ‘should’ be, I ‘should’ be.” Are they more emotions like sadness, fear, anger, self-doubt, judgment, etc. Pull out the patterns and name them. Write them down, and OWN them. They are yours and you get to be one with them. Then, let them go. Do something symbolic to release them. Burn a list. Tear it up. Put a giant X over them. Then practice choosing something different, something new. Look at the past situations and brainstorm every possible different way to react and think about it. Every way that is different from how you did think and react.
Brainstorming means all ideas are valid. Don’t judge any of the ideas, just try to think of them without making any assessment of value. You can evaluate the ideas later. If you stop to judge each one, you will simply stop creating ideas. Throw out as many possibilities no matter how silly or wrong you are afraid they might be. Write them down, every single one. If it helps you, ask a friend to help you with your brainstorming session. Then you can help them with theirs. Once you have come up with as many ideas as you can think of, practice them. Imagine yourself in the situation and try to think and react differently. Put on your true time machine hat and travel back to the situation and try to react and think differently. Try every idea on and really do your best to think and react differently. Some of them might feel pretty good. Others might feel just as icky as the first response. Some might be just neutral. Pick out the ones that really work well for less or no stress.
Once you have brainstormed and practiced on the past, try to think of different types of situations that might produce the same old pattern. Create pretend/hypothetical scenarios that might come up that would cause you to react the old way. Do the same thing as with the real past situations. Brainstorm ideas of how to react and think about them, as many ideas as you can think of. Then try them all on for feels. Which ones cause you more stress, which ones feel good, or neutral. Pick out ones that work the best for the least amount of stress and practice them over and over again.
Now the challenge, when you anticipate something is going to happen that might in the past have caused you stress, pick up the ideas from your past and your hypothetical practice brainstorms, and try to use some of the ones that were the most helpful on that anticipated situation. If you can’t find one that works, brainstorm again. Pre-think and react to something you anticipate. This practice means that when the think actually happens, reacting and thinking differently won’t be new or even truly different. It will be something you hae done already, more than once, and practiced it. It might even be an old habit after a while. Then, when it really happens, you might be able to react or think in the way you practiced. It is your best chance of being different. It’s also okay if you respond like you used to before too. Practice doesn’t make you perfect, it just gives you your best opportunity to do something different.
If you do change and do something different, excellent, less stress for you. If you don’t, you did your best and you just need more practice. You now have another situation to brainstorm and practice with, so go for it and practice, practice, practice. Action 2 for managing and mastering change is to practice different responses to it. Keep doing it until the choices you make in the moment cause you to feel free and open, to release love and compassion to yourself and others, and you can truly relax in the moment, no matter what is happening or changing all around you. You may never get there. If not, just keep practicing!!
Mantra for today: Practice doesn’t make perfect. Practice just creates opportunity to choose differently. I choose to practice different ways to respond to life that do not create stress for me.