There is a difference between sharing your opinion and speaking from your own experience. Opinions are what we think about different topics, people, situations, etc. In essence, our judgements about the world as we see it. Not that our opinions are invalid. That is not the case. It is that sharing our opinion is not the same as speaking from our own experience. There are certainly appropriate situations where people want or need to know your opinions and judgments about things. We are not talking about those situations. When we are in relationship with other humans and trying to create any kind of trust or connection, and there is a conflict or disagreement, opinions or judgements will only get us so far. They require very little vulnerability and put the responsibility on the other person to “react” to our assertions. Opinions and judgments often result in a defensive battle of attacks and building of walls that keep us apart, not bring us together.
On the other hand, if we can speak from our heart, and share our experience of ourselves in a situation, we are more likely to create a situation where others seek to understand and then respond similarly, vs attacking or defending their position. This might feel very risky. It certainly will take vulnerability and might be risky. The other person might not respond in a similar way. They might stick to their typical programming of defend and attack. However, if we can open a conversation where we each share our experiences of a situation, we might actually be able to find common ground and find a way to get through it without destroying each other and our relationships.
What does it mean to speak from our own experiences though? It’s about the focus of the expression. The focus is on ourselves and what is happening inside of us in response to what is happening outside of us. The old adage where you use “I” statements is a good one here, and also remember that while starting a sentence with I might sound like it guarantees that we will be speaking of our own experiences, that is not always the case. We are certainly capable of starting with “I” and finishing with an attack, opinion, or judgment. We must remain focused on how we are experiencing what is happening, vs stating what we have judged the other person, the world, the situation etc. is doing, thinking or feeling. It is the difference between saying, “You hurt my feelings,” and saying, “I feel hurt.” The first is an opinion, the second is my response to it. Starting with, “I feel like you blah, blah, blah,” is the same as saying, “You hurt me.” Less is more. Stick to what we think and feel, but not about others, about ourselves.
In sharing from our experience, we can restate what we think happened. Like restating what we are referencing, but it is important to keep it as neutral of a statement as possible, as factual, without opinion or judgment. For example, I had a colleague start a conversation like this by saying, “When I heard you say,” and then they quoted something I said (I can’t remember what that was at the moment), “I felt hurt. I heard that I was doing something wrong and felt like I was being chastised and criticized in front of others. I felt small and scared like I was in trouble. I did not like it and felt that I did not deserve to be talked to that way.” My response was to instantly feel awful about my statement because I in no way intended to hurt or make her feel like that. When I thought back to what I had said, it was not appropriate to have said, and thoughtless. I was short with her, and she was right. She did not deserve that. My response was to share my experience. I explained that in that moment, I was feeling frustrated with someone else, and like I was not being successful in motivating people to do tasks the way they were trained. I was feeling like I was failing to lead well, and things were falling apart. It was then that she and I started interacting, and I took that fear, and feeling of failure out on her in what I had said. I said I was wrong and that I did not manage myself well. I apologized and asked what I could do to make it right. She was very understanding of my experience. She forgave me, and we have a stronger relationship now. I also work hard to manage myself better when I feel that fear of failure at work. It is something I get frustrated with often. I am much more careful about how I speak with others when I feel like that though. As always, I can do better.
In contrast, she could have said, “You treated me inappropriately. You disrespected me and made me feel small and like I was in trouble. You should not have treated me that way.” These are opinions and judgments about me. They hide her experience of the situation inside of attacks on me. If this was a written communication, I think I might have seen through the attack to what was behind it, something more like what she actually said. But if she was speaking this to me, I would have been taken off guard and probably reacted defensively, even defending that I was right in what I said. Not proud that I would have done that, and I hope that even in hearing these words, I would have tried to see beyond her attack to her hurt, but I am also human, and I can’t always do that. This is why it is important to try to refrain from judgments and attacks like this when trying to resolve conflict. While it is true that I was wrong, these statements would not have created a safe environment for me to be accountable for that. It would have made it really hard, and while I might have apologized still, there is no way I would have felt safe explaining what I was going through to help her understand why I was wrong. I probably would have just said I was sorry and tried to get out of the conversation quickly. No vulnerability, no understanding, and also now a fear or wall between us.
Putting our own experiences out there feels super scary. In this co-worker relationship we already had a pretty good relationship of trust and mutual respect. I was honored, actually, that she felt safe enough to call me out on my behavior. That was brave of her, and I felt really good that she felt safe enough with me to do that. That also made it even more important to me to honor her in return and not be defensive or make excuses, but to just be honest, own my own stuff, and apologize. That was also brave because that opened me up to her seeing my fears and vulnerabilities. I also trusted her to see that. I am getting better and better at trusting people to see me even when I am not at my best. It is hard, scary, almost terrifying at times. I keep practicing, and it does get easier.
I know that this is hard. It can feel super scary to just be honest about what we are experiencing in the moment and not go on the defense or the attack. Laying down our armor and just sharing openly what our heart is feeling is hard. I can also tell you that this is only one example at my work where I did well in this, and it turned out to be great. There have been many others. This works. Being open and trusting people does work to build better relationships of trust and mutual respect. Staying off the defense and offense and just being true to our own experiences works to build better relationships, not just at work, but in friendships and romantic relationships also. As I said, I am not always the best at sticking to this when I am hurting or frustrated, and I keep practicing. Hopefully I will continue to get better in time. The main thing to remember is to focus on what you are experiencing, not what the other person is doing, thinking, or feeling. It’s not about them. It is about you. Let them tell you what they are experiencing, and when they do, listen and really hear their heart.
Until next time. Namaste