Your Ego Boat, the SS Ego, is out of the harbor and on its way to Maturity Island. There are a few things that will determine how likely it is that you will actually reach your destination. One is: Who is in control of the boat? Two is: What is your process for determining your direction or path? Third is: What is your training/education in managing a ship of this sort?
Let’s begin with Control aspect number one, Locus of Control. In psychological terms, locus of control is identifying “from where does the control over your life come?” In an external locus of control, life happens to you, and you are left to the whims and winds of the external world of other people and events. You don’t feel like you can control what is happening in or outside of you. Conversely, in an internal locus of control, you believe you are in control of most, though perhaps not all, of the things that happen around you, and you also recognize that you are in control your reaction to it. You control your life’s path. If you do not think you actually do control it, sometimes it is a sense of I should control it.
Both external and internal locus of controls can be immature in their choices and results. If you believe that life is happening to you, and you have no control over anything, you are likely to react and act immaturely, either trying to grasp control, or try to deflect accountability or responsibility for what is happening both inside and outside of you.
Internal locus of control is often thought of as more “adult or mature”, where you realize that you can control some of what goes on outside of you, and most of what goes on inside of you, and that you are 100% responsible for how you manage your reaction to both.
Accountability is who is owns it? In an external locus of control, the ownership of everything seems to come from outside of you. You put the ownership of problems, life, feelings, etc. on something outside of yourself. Life happens to you. It is a blame others game. With an internal locus of control, the accountability is on you. You own what is happening both outside and inside of you. Life happens, you respond. It’s all on you.
Responsibility is who should be doing something about it? It is action oriented. External locus says that someone or something else should be taking action to do, fix or take care of me or things. Internal locus of control says, “I am responsible for myself, and what I do with what happens in my life. My life happens for me, not to me!”
Is there an immaturity in realizing that you are accountable and responsible for yourself and your life? That seems pretty mature, doesn’t it? It does, and it is, to a certain point. Consider this however, can you truly control what happens outside of you? No, but you can control your responses, right? Can you always control what happens inside of you? Well, most humans, the answer is no, they can’t. If they think they can, and then they don’t, guilt might arise from not being able to do that, and then shame and immaturity is the response to that.
In addition, when I start believing that I am capable of being 100% in control myself and my life, I tend to believe that is also true for others, that they are 100% capable of controlling their lives. Unfortunately for some people, that can extend into selfishness, where they do a great job taking care of themselves and managing their own lives, but they are crapping all over other people to do it. Even if they are not crapping on others, they might be judging them for not managing themselves better or criticizing them for how they choose to manage things. If they end up alone and/or un-liked though, they can’t really seem to reconcile that with how they act in the world being connected to how others respond to them. This is personal accountability and responsibility from an immature space of “me” orientation.
What is maturity then? Internal or External? As with your ego, it is neither and both. In terms of our analogy, let’s talk about your ship. Locus of control consists of two crew members, the captain who tells the ship what direction to go, and the helmsperson who actually physically steers the boat. The captain needs to understand that they are responsible for all members of the crew, including themselves, for the ship’s cargo, and also for who might be harmed by the ship while it travels. The captain may not physically steer the ship, but if it hits another ship or an iceberg or runs into a hefty storm or tsunami, the captain will be held accountable for that. They won’t say, “Well, the helmsperson steered us into that dangerous thing. It’s not my fault.” That is, a mature captain wouldn’t say that. You also need a mature helmsperson, who listens to the captain of the ship. The captain is the conscience of the vessel, the helmsperson is the physical body that steers. Both need to understand how they are both accountable and responsible for the entire vessel, crew, cargo, and any other vessel the ship might come in contact with on the open seas. The entire crew includes the captain and helmsperson.
An immature captain is concerned with their own reputation as a captain. They tend to not listen well to their crew’s advice or concerns. They want to be “right”, rather than mature. They do not consider the greater good, but only what happens to them. If the ship goes down, they will likely be on a life boat first. This captain is headed for a tsunami wave of Me! That ship is destined to be capsized.
An immature captain might listen to their crew, but not make decisions. Maybe they just keep asking others what they think, gathering data, but not really sure what to do. Best way to steer a ship directly into a major storm, gather data from every person on board the ship before deciding if you should turn the ship or not, then waiting until you are sure that turning the ship is the right thing to do before actually giving the order to turn the ship.
Over controlling or indecisive captains are either letting the outside influence them or their own ego influence them to make a choice. This will get you going directly into the storm and swamped by a wave super quickly.
A mature captain consults his crew. They listen when the crew and/or passengers on their ship are concerned. They weigh the data and information and
consider what would be best to do for the greater good of the entire ship. They know the ship needs a captain, and they know the ship relies on the captain to make the ultimate choices for the ship. They also know that a captain that denies or relies too much on their crew, isn’t an accountable or responsible and mature captain. Maturity means the captain knows the way to maturity island, but they can change the course around the storm based on what is going on around them and with feedback from others. They know that deciding for the ship is not just about them, it is about everyone. They have an Us mentality.
The helmsperson though, they actually turn the ship when needed. What if they do not listen to the captain? How often do you make a decision to do the right thing, but then you don’t do it. Do you realize you need to pay attention to others and also yourself, consider the data from both outside and inside yourself, and then you go ahead and do the immature thing anyway?
What happens if the helmsperson listens to the outside world and gets scared or misunderstands. The captain has chosen to steer around the storm for safety, but the crew is worried they will be off their schedule if they do that. They are pleading with the helmsperson to ignore the captain and push through the storm to stay on schedule. People on the ship are saying they want their vacation. They don’t want to waste time going around the storm. It’s a big ship, they can make it, and the helmsperson doesn’t turn. The other forces influence them so heavily that they ignore the captain and steer right into the storm. What happens to the happy vacation then?
What if the helmsperson is too focused on what they want. What if they are afraid of the storm and instead of steering into the storm if the captain says to
do that, they try to go around, not realizing that around isn’t as safe because of the giant wave the storm is causing outside of itself. I don’t know how storms work, but on their edges, it might be worse than in the middle of them. Captains would know this, but if the helmsperson is more worried about their own skin, they might not listen to the captain. They might try to go around thinking they knew something better, and what happens then? The giant wave the storm causes on its edges flips the ship over. In reality, the fear a person has for their personal self-esteem, safety, gain, etc. might cause them to disregard their captain’s orders and steer into or away from what the captain says is best for the ship, in order to protect or gain something for themselves. That is helmsperson’s immature of Me.
To have a mature and balanced sense of Locus of Control, you need to remember that all choices are a mixture of listening and watching from outside yourself, and listening and watching what is inside yourself. You also know that once you have chosen, you have to act based on what you truly decided. You need to stay focused on the balanced choice and action, not go back to thinking about others over me, or me over others, but what is the choice and action for us. That is the path of Us and to the Island of Maturity.
Namaste