I keep getting stuck on this article. I feel like each time I try to express my thoughts, I just end up rambling and over explaining it. It might be that complicated, and it also might not be. Previously I put out there that changing our belief systems can be a challenge. They are hard wired into us, and when we come to believe something new, our minds and bodies will resist the change because it feels uncomfortable to let go of something we have come to identify with our person or ego. I think that is why this next idea is so hard to explain. I feel like I need to defend my right to believe it because around me I feel so much resistance to it. Even within me I feel the resistance, even though, I know it is true for me.
First off, I want to acknowledge that I do not believe that everyone needs to agree that I am right and this is how the world is or should be. I am only stating how it is for me and how I want to be within it.
I believe that in order to be healthy in both mind and body, I need to be fully responsible for myself. I also believe that if other humans do this, take responsibility for themselves, they will also be well in mind and body, but I do not think they should do this, only that if they do, they will find wellness.
Being responsible for myself means that I do not seek or need others to be responsible for my well-being, happiness, success, love, affection, approval, satisfaction, gratitude, etc. That does not mean that I do not appreciate when others offer those things to me. I do enjoy when others do things that make me happy, feel love, affection, approval etc. What I am saying is that whenever I have felt like it is the responsibility of others to give me those things, I am disappointed. I end up feeling angry, defensive, and judgmental because humans are not able to provide those things to me consistently enough. When I get angry and defensive because someone does not show me approval or love, I cannot hear them, I cannot listen, I cannot love them, I cannot love myself anymore. I am stuck on needing them to give me love and approval and feeling angry because they are not doing that.
On the other hand, when I am successful at taking care of my own needs for love and approval, when someone else does something that does not align with what approval and love feel like to me, I am not angry at them. I realize that they are expressing their thoughts and feelings about something, even perhaps, about me, but that those thoughts and feelings are not me or even really about me. I realize that other people’s perceptions of me are filtered through their own life perspective, needs, wants, judgments, and they are not me. I don’t need their approval or love because I can approve of and love myself. I can feel grateful that they are sharing what they think and feel with me without getting attached to it needing to define me. I can actually hear it. I can actually consider whether I want to do anything about what they think. I can’t do either of those things when I am attached to what they think being linked to my self-esteem.
It is not that I do not care what others think and feel about me or anything else. I am simply working on not letting what others think and feel define who I am, affect how I feel about myself, and how I feel about my life. I get to choose my thoughts and feelings for myself. When I remember that, I can listen well to other people, even when they seem to be telling me what I should do or how I should be, think or feel. I realize that no matter what they say, in the end, only I am responsible for my thoughts, feelings and actions, and I get to decide who I am, how I feel and what I do. When I forget that, I feel like people are trying to control me and tell me who to be. I become resistant, angry and defensive. I cannot even consider their thoughts when I feel like this. When I remember who I am, and that I am responsible for me, I can be grateful for their feedback. I can hear what they are trying to say, and I can choose for myself what I want to do with that information.
I believe it is a priority for me to be responsible for my own feelings of love, satisfaction, safety, security, approval, affection etc. I believe that when I am fully responsible for myself, only then, can I actually hear other people. Only then, do I even have anything to share in terms of love, affection, approval with others. If I am dependent on getting those things outside of me, then I have nothing in me to give or share. All I am is someone who needs something from others just to hit a baseline of feeling okay. When I am responsible for me, my baseline is good. I feel good about myself and love me. I then have a good place to bring that love and affection toward other people to share it. When I can’t reach a baseline of being okay inside of myself, all I can see in others is a potential source for my needs. I look to them and expect them to provide my baseline need for everything.
What I want to be in my life is responsible for me. I want to remember that I am the only person who can assure me that I am okay. When I do that, I am all kinds of loving and compassionate toward others, no matter who they are, or what they bring to our relationship. If they then show me approval, I can be grateful for the reinforcement, but I do not have to expect it. If they show me love or affection, I can accept it freely, but I do not have to expect it. If they show me judgment or disapproval, if they try to tell me who to be or what to think, how I should act, I can be grateful for the information. I can consider it and line it up with what I think and feel and choose how to integrate it. When I choose that, I don’t feel controlled. I feel in control. I do it because I chose it, not in order to win approval, or to get someone to love me. I do it because I choose it, and it is something I want to do because I am responsible for me.
One more thing, I believe, that regardless of whether I think I am responsible for my mental and physical well-being or not, I am. It is when I remember this, that I feel in control, that I realize I have all of the power, and I am perfectly safe, supported, loved, and abundant. It is only when I forget that, that other people can take it away from me, because I am releasing it to them and giving them that power. I choose to remember as often as I am able and not allow others to take away my sense of self, to not give away my sense of self to anyone. I believe that other people would feel better and be happier if they also did this, and I do not think anyone should do it, unless they believe in it and want to.
-Namaste