I attended a party many years ago called a “Giving and Receiving” party. The concept of the party was that people brought items that they wanted to give away, and came prepared to receive from others things they wanted or needed. Like a gift exchange of garage sale items. At least that is what I thought it was on the surface. At this party, I had one of the most uncomfortable experiences of my life, to that point anyway.
Someone had brought a beautiful leather jacket to the party to give. He was hoping to receive some money at the party for a project he wanted to start. I had come with nothing to give. I had been invited at the last minute, and the friend who invited me said that I should come open to receiving even if I had nothing to give. SHIT! was my response to that. I can’t go to a Giving and Receiving party with nothing to give, but I could, he said. He also said that people who like to give are often uncomfortable with receiving, and part of the point of the party was to practice both giving and receiving unconditionally. So, I went, with nothing to give.
When I saw the jacket, I was completely attracted to it. The man who brought it had me try it on. It felt so good, so warm and heavy, and I looked really cool wearing it. He smiled a broad smile, and said that the jacket was mine. It was meant to be mine. I wanted to pay him for it. He said he did want to receive some money, but not from me. He said the jacket was meant to be a gift to me, wanting nothing in return. He trusted the universe to bring him any money he needed, and if he really needed to receive the money he wanted, he would get the money. I was to just allow him to give me the jacket and receive the jacket unconditionally. Seriously, that was the hardest thing I had done almost ever. Allowing a complete stranger who I had never met to give me something so fine and expensive. I did it though. I received and loved that jacket for the jacket that it was, but also for the opportunity to receive that it was.
The man and I continued to talk and started to share life stories. We became friends in the coming weeks, but that isn’t the end of the story of the party. Later in the evening, I was talking to a different person, a woman. She had come to the party hoping to give someone some money. She had won some money in the lottery or something like that. She had all of the money she needed and wanted to share some of the extra that winning had given her. She asked me if I wanted to receive the money she was prepared to give. I was already kind of overwhelmed by receiving a free jacket, and I said no. I couldn’t also receive the money. I thanked her though. I also told her that the man who gave me the jacket would probably appreciate receiving the money and pointed him out to her. He was across the room talking to other people.
She thanked me and went over to him. She introduced herself, explained what she wanted to give, and asked him if he wanted to receive it. He smiled widely, and yes, he took the money.
What I saw in that moment was, the universe, God, or whatever you believe in, knows. The universe knows what we want. It knows what we need, even if we don’t. That party was a lesson for me, one that I almost immediately forgot to apply in my life. I was given the opportunity to learn to receive unconditionally and trust the universe to balance my energy account in the way it is intended to be. I already knew how to give unconditionally, but receiving was a whole other story.
I still have trouble receiving from others unconditionally. I am a giver. I am super great at knowing what other people want or need instinctively, and then I give that. It is a gift I have, a spiritual gift, I believe. What I also know is that when I give unconditionally and do not receive unconditionally, my spirit gets out of balance. My body and soul get out of balance.
Because I am comfortable with giving, I tend to attract people who take. Takers like givers who ask for nothing in return. I do not usually attract givers. Givers are most comfortable with receivers or takers. I am neither of those, at least I didn’t used to be. I am learning though. I am learning to receive.
That party was not my first chance to learn that lesson, and I did not learn it there. If I look back on my life, that exact lesson had presented itself more subtlety over and over again. Each time the lesson had presented itself, I had missed the opportunity to even see it. In this case, it was just opening not subtleties in my face. However, I returned to my previous ways of giving without receiving, and did not learn. I know now that I do that because I do not believe that I am worthy of receiving. Though intellectually I know I am. I have a core value that everyone is worthy in an equal way. I live that value with other people consistently. I just don’t do it for myself. I don’t include myself in the everyone that is worthy. I do not deserve to receive.
BUT I am learning. I have learned, and in my deepest heart I believe that I am worthy of receiving, and I have no idea how to do that. Well that isn’t exactly true. I have been practicing with my friends. I have been practicing at work too. It looks like, not having all of the answers, and being open to hearing the answers from others. It looks like asking for help, and letting people help me. It looks like reaching out and asking for attention, and believing that I deserve to get it. It looks like asking for affection, and believing that I am worthy of it. So hard to do, so satisfying to practice. I am getting more and more comfortable every day. I am grateful for the opportunities to learn and grow in this way.
Thank you universe, God, and my higher self for the opportunity to receive.
-Namaste