I was listening to Mark Manson this evening, and he has a thing related to vulnerability. Definitely been studying this from a Brene Brown perspective and with the 6 part series there, will probably have more to say from her in the future, but tonight it was Mark.
Here’s what I got from his talk. Vulnerability is essential for intimacy, it can be challenging to do, and most people do not really understand what it means to be vulnerable. His perspective, to which I agree and also believe Brene would agree, is that being vulnerable is not as much about what you share, it is with what intent do you share it.
He talked about emotional vomit. That is when people just sort of pour out their emotions, baggage, life story, insecurities etc. and dump on people. That isn’t really being vulnerable. It is over sharing mostly. It isn’t taking into account the situation or the other person’s readiness to be exposed to your baggage, like when it is strangers. I also find that people who tend to do this, are doing so to prove something to others. Their intention is not to connect with that person, show up authentically, or speak a truth. They share to get others to have a certain reaction to them. They might be seeking sympathy, approval, encouragement, pity, attention, validation, etc. That is a control game. It does not take vulnerability to share something in order to control the reaction or opinion of others. If the intent of sharing is to get someone to respond or do something in return, that is not vulnerability. That is manipulation.
True vulnerability is sharing what is on your mind or on your heart, following the context of the conversation, situation, relationship, etc. without an agenda other than being your authentic self. If your objective is to share something to get or control a response, that is not authentic. It’s a game. This is tough.
I wonder about what if I have a hope for how a person would respond, or I have a type of support I am looking for when I share? Is that manipulation? Is it still authentic? I think it can be. I think there is a difference between having a desire for support or encouragement from another person, and attempting to control how they think or feel about you by how you act.
Brene talks about “fitting in”, where we find out what other people are looking for in others to like or approve of them, and we do whatever we can to become what we think will please others, with the goal of being accepted. That is not authentic. Authenticity is when I choose who I want to be in life. I choose my values and beliefs, and I act accordingly. I am who I choose to be. I show up as myself with the only agenda being that I showed up authentically. I cannot fail at that no matter others respond. If I show up as me, and I am liked, awesome, wonderful. I met my goal, I showed up as me. If I show up as me, and I am not liked, also awesome and wonderful. I met my goal. I showed up as me. I stayed true to me and didn’t play a role or try to perform my way to approval. I was just me. This is being vulnerable.
I think for me, sometimes tit is hard to know who I am. It’s hard to know what I think or feel. It does seem to change from moment to moment or day to day. I am always learning something. That is probably my number one value, to learn, grow continually, become more and more of who I am supposed to be. While who I am now is perfect, I know that I am not done becoming me, so I keep working on that. That means what I believe and who I am will keep evolving. I am in constant shifting motion. I think that might be difficult for some people to keep track of or manage how to be with me in that fluctuation. There are people around me who definitely express that being somewhat of a moving target of beliefs and values is hard for them. Others express that is what they love about me. Since it is who I am probably going to be for the rest of my life, as it is who I have always been, and it is my #1 value, that will be interesting.
If you have read this blog, you know my ideas evolve. I have to say though, that I am consistent in the direction of my growth. I feel that my evolution is on a specific trajectory toward a common end, and what changes is a building of a pillars that surround my beliefs and values. They all still point in the same direction, but are solidified and expanded, adjusted and perfected. I think all humans do this. We all change all the time. Who wants to be consistent anyway, right?
In terms of vulnerability, I have struggled with sharing how my beliefs and values are evolving. I think I learned from my father that you stick to your story, no matter what. That you are right, and should never falter. I have a long time ago abandoned that belief system of always needing to be right. I certainly do appreciate when I feel like I get something right, but I no longer need to be right. I think some people would disagree with that because I do sometimes stand my ground on what I believe, but no matter how much I believe in something for myself, I do not believe that I am “right.” I simply feel that it is right, for me, in this moment. I also listen to others and open up to their ideas and am flexible. I have had to work hard to become flexible to new thoughts and ideas, and that is vulnerable. Being open to learning is being vulnerable, especially when it involves letting go of a previously held belief system. I am open to hearing how I am not right, even for myself. People challenge me all the time on what I think and believe, and sometimes I shift with what they present, sometimes I do not flex at all, and I stand on what I believe. Many times when I stand up for my belief, I come back later and adjust at least a little. I know that I am sometimes stubborn, and I know I am also often very flexible. All of this takes a level of vulnerability to achieve.
Bottom line, being vulnerable is about being authentic, being open to others seeing you as you are, regardless of what they might think about you, sharing honestly and appropriately for situation and relationship, and accepting whatever happens as a result. The moment you try to control how others receive you, you cease being vulnerable, and you being to be manipulative. It’s a tough line to balance. Something to strive for though, right?
Oh, one more thing: Research suggests that being vulnerable and authentic builds self-esteem and trust, and it can reduce or remove shame.
-Namaste