My last post was about Who am I? One thing I missed in there is the idea of ego. Although that is partly covered in the Mind. The world often sees my ego and thinks that is me, but I am not my ego. Recently I have been confronted with people seeing my ego and not liking it. In fact calling me an ass or stating that I am being rude. When I consider what I had or do say when that is the response, my internal dialogue excuses my statements as simply being me sharing my truth and being authentic. Not everyone appreciates when others are truthful or honest about their thoughts or feelings.
I am not entirely sure why people are not comfortable with others being authentic. I have some guesses. A few of my friends and I discussed this and together we determined that if a person is not being authentic themselves that they might not appreciate it when others are being so. Perhaps they feel as though they are not permitted authenticity, or they fear they too would be perceived as an ass if they were. Perhaps they get upset when others do because they are jealous that they do not feel safe enough to be authentic.
However, I am 100% sure that at that moment when I am being “authentic” and another person thinks my authenticity is rude or that I am being an ass, then that is not me entirely. If I consider the past moments of this, when my truth is offensive or rude, it is the truth of my ego, and I am not my ego. If I am not my ego, when my ego tells its truth, is that authentic? Is that actually my truth or my ego’s truth, and are those different?
What I know about my ego is that it lies. It does not ever see the whole picture. And who it thinks other people are is a distorted picture of self preservation. When it speaks from its truth, its truth is not my truth. Example is when someone challenges me in a class, my ego knows that I am right and the person is wrong. What will come out of my mouth is sometimes not only rude, but not helpful in the person learning the materials. If I speak from my essence of self, my higher self that knows the actual truth, whatever that is, what I say is not rude, offensive or defensive. It is kind, compassionate, and seeks to understand the person more fully. It is not judgmental of their inability to see the truth, but compassionate about a human’s learning curve for anything. From that “truth”, the person is more likely to learn.
Here is the question again though. Is my ego not telling truth in responding in perhaps an unkind or judgmental way? In that moment, I do feel unkind and judgmental. Is that not my truth in that moment, and am I wrong for expressing that truth because it is my actual experience in that moment? If I suppress the ego in that moment, keep it from expressing its truth, will that harm me? Consider that stuffing emotions is a prime cause of pain and suffering in our world. People not expressing themselves and holding onto that hurt, pain, emotion, suffering etc. causes a lot of stress. It takes a lot of energy to hold onto hurts, wrongs suffered, and such. That energy of holding onto that stuff is producing a fight or flight response in our bodies on a nearly constant basis. That is not good.
Another question, if I do say my ego based judgmental truth out loud, whether it is perceived as rude or not, does that prevent me from suffering the fate of harboring that feeling or hurt and holding onto it? Maybe, is what I have come to learn. For myself, typically it does to a certain extent allow me to release the energy the ego created around whatever perceived wrong another person has done. The down side is the justification. If I also continue to tell a story where my rudeness and judgments are justified to prove that I am right and permitted to tell this truth to stop this other person from hurting me or to teach them about how wrong they are, in that, I keep the hurt, emotions, judgments alive and swirling in my psyche and body. If I feel bad about what I said, and judge myself for having said it, again, I keep that alive inside me. That is just as harmful as not saying it and holding onto it.
What if I see what I did, and realize it was ego, not truth, and apologize to the person, the universe, myself etc. and then release all that I attached to it? If I forgive the person, myself and the universe, and release all that I attached to it? In that, am I ending my suffering in my psyche and body? I actually do think that is true. I do not know if I will ever be able to stop responding to the world in a snap egocentric way from time to time. I get angry. I judge. I get hurt. I am human, but I am not my ego. That is not my essence.
When I think the ego thoughts, and I do not express them, is that harmful though? That also depends. In my not expressing them, do I do as I might have done if I had expressed them? Do I extend energy to the thoughts to justify them, to justify why my ego is hurt? Do I keep those emotions, judgments and hurts alive in my heart? If so, it does not matter if I say them out loud or not, they are creating a fight or flight in me, and they are harming my body and psyche in so doing.
If I do not say them, and I realize they are ego, not truth. If I remind myself that people are no more their actions than I am, no more their ego than I am, no more their bodies than I am, then I can forgive us all for the perceived wrong doing. I can show compassion and love for others, and in so doing, I can let go of the energy that the ego created around the perceived truth I was so attached to defending. When I do that, I can not only prevent my suffering, I can heal it.
Should I allow my ego to speak or not then? Is my ego telling my truth or its truth? Is that being authentic to not speak my ego’s truth.
Who am I? What is my truth? I am not my emotions, my body, my mind or my ego. Expressing from those things is not my actual truth, so I do not consider not expressing them being inauthentic. On the other hand, my ego, thoughts, emotions are a part of me, while not me, and so expressing them is also not inauthentic. Both are true. If my ego gets out some expression, which it does pretty much daily, in those moments, it is my truth from my ego’s perspective, while my ego is not me, it is a part of me, and it will speak from time to time. I can also relax and seek not to defend my ego’s right to speak, but to forgive myself and others for whatever suffering is being caused in that moment of my ego’s truth.
If I look at another and judge them, I know that I am judging not just them, but myself as well because I only see the world through my perceptions, and no matter how in tune I become to my higher self who sees the truth, I cannot ever really know the whole truth while I still live a human life. We are not meant to be able to grasp the whole of truth while alive. We can only see glimpses of it, parts of it, but putting it all together takes divine perception, which a human living a human life is not fully divine, and so cannot fully grasp the completeness of it. That is fine with me. The possible enormity of the whole thing can send me into a mind blowing spiral sometimes. I cannot fully see you, or you see me. We all see each other through a perception of ego, no matter how in control our egos are. It is part of being human.
So, what is the truth? I don’t know. I know that it changes from moment to moment, that there is no ONE truth for everything, except perhaps that we are one energy, but I am not certain of that. It is my current truth though.
What is authentic? Being who you are from moment to moment, which will, for me, mean sometimes speaking my ego’s truth over the truth of my essence. It will sometimes mean I don’t speak. It will sometimes mean I express anger, love, kindness, judgement, or compassion, and in those moments, that is my truth, it is my current state, and though my emotions and expressions of them are not who I am, they are a part of me, and so expressing or not expressing them is also a part of me, and so then being authentic in each moment.
The biggest harm we do ourselves is not in holding back an emotion, thought, or expression of truth, it is holding onto it, whether expressed or not. Authenticity is not in whether we express ourselves as we feel from moment to moment, it is realizing that whether we express ourselves or not, that does not define us forever.
Choose in each moment, thoughtfully if you can, being self aware if you can, and if you can’t, that is also okay. Express or don’t, also okay. As you continue to move forward in time, consider whether or not you want to hold onto those things you have chosen to believe, chosen to feel, or chosen to express or not to express. Are they serving your higher good? Are they serving the collective divine energy’s higher good? You may choose to hold onto things that do not serve either, and that is also okay. One day, you may choose differently, or you may not. You get to choose your suffering and your joy, and whether to share them or not.
Namaste, I honor the truth in us all