Have you ever made a list? If you are human, which I am thinking most readers are, you have probably made a list once or twice, possibly daily. Humans seem to really like their lists. The top 10 of this, or the worst of that, etc. We make lists for running errands to maximize our time. We make lists to shop and lists to get things done, for chores at home and tasks at work. We even make life achievement lists of all of the things we want to accomplish in our lives, like places to travel to, milestones to hit, like marriage, kids, level of advancement in our company etc. Lists are awesome!
A list can serve as a very useful tool. It can keep you organized, help you prioritize your time, guide your decisions, and overall keep you on track and moving in the general direction you wish to go. All very positive things. This is why we use lists, and why I love lists and use them all of the time. I was raised like most people that maximum efficiency of time and energy is a desired quality, and lists help us achieve that.
However, lists are like most things in life that are awesome, they also have a seedier more diabolical side to them. Like ice cream, which is so awesome and yummy and makes you happy, and also can have devastating effects on your waist line, cholesterol and blood pressure, lists can also cause harm to you. I know, they seem so innocent and useful, how can a list cause anyone harm?
Well, truth be told, it’s not actually the list that causes the harm, just as it is also not actually the ice cream, it is the human consuming the ice cream and the human managing the list that causes the harm. Humans are famous for taking really awesome things and using them to hurt themselves, and if that doesn’t satisfy them, they use them to hurt other people. Though using ice cream to hurt others is a bit of a stretch, using lists to hurt others is not.
Let’s start with how we use them to hurt ourselves. It starts off innocent enough, we make a list of things want to accomplish in a day, chores, homework, work work, etc., and as we get things done and check off the list, we feel accomplished, good about ourselves. It feels awesome to check things off the list and be done, and if we finish the list, we feel even better. Those endorphins get going, and it’s like a drug. Other people congratulate us on our accomplishments and poof, more positive feelings. People say things to us that indicate that we are good, have value, and matter when we check things off on the list, and slowly our feelings of worth, value, and esteem toward ourselves starts to link not only to the individual things on our lists, but the ability to get them done. Now it is not just a list of things that we want to accomplish, it becomes a list of things we have to accomplish, and if we don’t, we will lose esteem, favor, and be less valuable. That ever happen to you because of a list? The list moves from tool we use to get things done and organize our time, to a measuring stick for our value as a human being, partner, worker, friend, child, etc. Now are you starting to see how lists can have that double edge?
The next thing to consider is how are your lists formed. Do you have authority over the lists, or is someone else controlling what goes on your lists? Do you feel like you have control over your list at all? How big is the list? Is it manageable, doable, flexible, or a list of things that can never ever be all done? That is the other thing about lists. The more in control of what goes on our lists and our ability to complete tasks or whole lists is, the better we tend to feel about ourselves and our lists. If you don’t feel like the things on your list are your own, how motivated are you to work on your list, how good do you feel about getting started, moving through the tasks, accomplishing things on it? Unfortunately, most people who feel out of control of one of their lists, often are demotivated by the list itself, and see it as a barrier to getting things done. Now it moved from tool to help us, to barrier standing in our way of getting things done. It’s amazing how when I get to choose how to spend my time, what I choose to do and how long I spend doing it, how much more I accomplish. When other people are demanding my time, pushing me to do things that might also be on my list, but are pushing me to do them on their timeline, instead of my own, how resistant I become to doing even the things I wanted to do before. It’s all about control. If we don’t feel in control, we feel out of control. If we feel out of control, it is hard to move, or start, or feel good about doing anything. It’s because we are humans, and that is human nature.
This sort of interaction, where one person is attempting to control the lists of another person, can severely damage trust and esteem in the relationship. Depending on how controlling the one person is with the lists, the more damaging it becomes. For example, if person A and person B are in a relationship, say friends, partners, boss and employee etc., and person A is trying to control the lists of person B. So they are giving them tasks to put on their lists, attempting to push them toward certain life goals, giving them things to buy, even personality traits they want that person to develop. Think about a partner, parent, boss, friend who might have done that to you in the past. Think about the times you have done that to another person in the past. How did that go? Was person B excited that person A had a list for them, was pushing them toward something to do or to be something they weren’t? Perhaps at first, it feels good that someone cares about you and wants to develop you, push you to be a better person, do more to accomplish things, at first. But then what happens if you don’t accomplish the things fast enough, or if you don’t actually want some of those things on your list, or you realize that you aren’t getting your list of things done because person A has taken up all of your list space with their list of things for you? What happens to the relationship between A and B?
What if A is the kind of person who doesn’t recognize any accomplishment B achieves unless the item is on A’s list of things for B? What if A measures a person B’s contributions to the world, the relationship, the job based on if B can accomplish things on the list A has set for them, regardless of if B is accomplishing things on their own list or not? What if B starts to feel like they are worthless and useless because A is constantly not recognizing their effort or accomplishments because they don’t match up with A’s list for them. Now, do you see how lists can be used to hurt other people? It’s one thing for you to do that to yourself with your own lists, and trust me, humans do that to themselves all of the time. It is quite another for someone else to do that to you with their lists. I will tell you from experience, that sort of list making and pushing can ruin a relationship. It might take time for the results of that to fully develop, but over time, it destroys trust and esteem for both people. This is how bosses lose employees, friends lose friends, and spouses get divorced.
I love lists. They help me. They are amazing tools that I use every day. They are not measuring sticks to my value and accomplishments as a human being though. The trick with lists is to use them, not to let them use you, to manage them, and not allow others to use them to control or manage you. A person in control and managing their own lists will do great things. A person who has too many other people attempting to control and manage them through lists they create, will fail more often and become demotivated to even try.
To that I suggest, manage your own lists please, and I promise to manage mine. If someone seems to not be managing their list, it might be better to check with them on that vs. assume that, and it might be better for your relationship to offer to support them in managing their lists vs. taking over their lists and attempting to manage them for them.
Until next time,
Namaste