Courage does not mean we stop being afraid. Courage means we move forward even when we are afraid. If we fear feedback and criticism, and we shy away from it, become defensive in the face of it, dismiss it as having no value or even accept it as truth without true evaluation of it, we are not responding with courage. We are responding from fear. It’s normal to have fears, but we do not have to react to our lives in fear or from a place of fear.
Consider the conversation we have had about maturity. The bottom line in maturity is focusing on a sense and goal of us, where we all are personally responsible for ourselves and to one another, where we all benefit equally from our collective effort, and where the result of our actions is connection to each other in meaningful ways. The opposite of maturity, immaturity, is focused on either others being responsible for us, or us being responsible for others (cause they are incapable of being responsible for themselves, which is not true), the benefit is either for us or for others, not both, and whatever we are doing has more chance of creating separation than it does connection. In this conversation, defensiveness and fear of criticism most often results in immaturity. Let’s talk about how to create more mature responses even if we continue to have fear.
First of all, try to remember that fear is not bad. The purpose of fear is to alert you to danger. Is being criticized dangerous? Possibly. If someone criticizes you in front of others, it could create separation between you and the others if what is said is disparaging you. If the others believe the criticism, if after believing it they choose to become separate from you because of it, then yes, that might feel or even be dangerous. That’s why we worry more about what people say when we are not there, than what they say when we are there. At least when we are there, we might be able to say something in our defense. The thing that becomes scary though is that we think that dangerous equals bad, and something to avoid. It’s human nature and survival instinct that tells us that.
Consider this though, what is your reputation? If I have a solid reputation for being wonderful, and another person starts talking about me in a critical way saying that I am not so great, how likely is it that people will believe them or change how they see me just because that one person says a thing that isn’t true? We know that people are not that easily convinced of opinions that others express if we don’t already have a belief that matches that. We are not worried as much about criticisms that are not true because of this. We worry most about people saying things that are true, because people are more likely to believe the truth!
Okay, so say someone starts going around telling people that I am a liar and you can’t believe a thing that I say. If I hear that is happening, I might find it annoying, but more likely I will smile at it. I know that is not true. I know to my very core of who I am that I am not a liar. I have told lies from time to time like all people, but my reputation is not that of a person who lies frequently and is a “liar”. Therefore, I would not worry about one person saying I am a liar. If I hear a bunch of people saying it, I might start to worry what I had done to create that chatter, and I might actually find a source of truth in it that I need to own up to.
On the other hand, if someone were to be telling other people that I am a bully and trying to push others around, manipulate people, or trying to coerce them to do things, I will be more afraid of this, and defensive about this. This sort of statement about me has been completely true in the past. I have been a bully most of my life actually. I was so scared, depressed and unhappy that I was really pretty awful to other people and didn’t care that I was. I am not that person anymore, but there is that fear that I will become that person again without realizing it. I am passionate about what I believe in, and I can be inflexible in what I believe at times. I can be emotional, including being angry and shouting. I can be judgmental and critical of others. When people see those sides of me, they may say that I am mean or a bully. I worry so much that I will become or be seen as the awful person I used to be, I am extremely sensitive to people saying things about me like that. The problem comes when I am so sensitive to hearing those things that I don’t really look at what I might have done to create those opinions. When I get scared and defensive, I can’t see if there is truth to it at all. There might not be any truth to it. People might simply disagree with me, but there is probably some truth too. If I am truly to avoid becoming that person I used to be, I have to relax and allow the critical comments to be heard objectively. Very tough for me to do.
I am not special or unique in this way. Humans are more objective about critical statements they do not worry are true. If there is a possibility something is true, and we don’t want it to be, we are more resistant to hearing it at all. It’s almost like we put our fingers in our ears and start saying, “La, la, la, la, la . . . ” Not a mature response.
I will not prevent myself from becoming a bully again if I cannot be open to hearing about things I do that are perceived as bullying. It does not matter if I actually did the thing or meant to be a bully. I have to hear the thing objectively to even consider if it is true. I have to consider if it is true, if I am to keep myself on track to be the person I want to be. Hard to do, no doubt about it.
In the next blog, I will count down the steps to managing criticism from others.
-Namaste