It’s been a long time since I posted. I looked back, and it was the end of March. I really can’t believe that it was that long ago, and yet, it was. Since then, my life has changed dramatically, and some major healing has been happening.
In the last few months, I have gotten divorced, moved to my friends’ house, begun the process of buying my own house, been furloughed, been called back from furlough to do different work, been working mostly from home, which is not my home, turned 55 (speed limit time), and for the first time in a long time, did not worry about a thing.
I am not a perpetual worrier. I get anxious, and I know everything has a reason and purpose, and then I stop worrying. Over the last few years, however, I realized that while I was not worrying about big things, I had started to worry about daily things. I started to be anxious about how things in my day to day life would go. I worried about how I would be perceived, treated, acknowledged, cared for and valued. I have had a huge ego from time to time in my life, thinking I was all that and a bag of chips, but in the past 2-3 years it has become less about ego and more about connecting to my higher purpose and self. In my friendships and at my work, I was not worried about those things anymore, how others would see me or value me. I became focused on doing my best and trusting it was purposeful, necessary, and perfect. Yet, my blood pressure kept going up, and I started to feel more and more uneasy.
The thing was, this uneasiness was only occurring in my home, or around one person. The rest of my world was pretty solid and peaceful, regardless of what was actually happening. I have nothing negative to say about my ex-wife. What is important is that life began to feel out of place, like the path was no longer on course, and I needed to make a major change. The truth is, both she and I had drifted into patterns that were no longer serving either of us, and in my perception had begun to damage both of us. We had a purpose for being together, and I truly believe that we fulfilled it, and then it was done. It was the second hardest thing that I have ever done to leave that relationship.
I learned that love is not enough to conquer everything, that everything has a time and a place, and nothing is permanent. Things end. Relationships end. While it saddens me that this is what needed to happen, I know that was the only way for me to move forward toward my life’s purpose. I was not happy or growing in that relationship, and while I do not know what my future holds, I know that I am moving in the direction that I am meant to go. I feel at peace with everything and the choices I have made.
I am most sad at how much my leaving hurt and scared my ex. I never wished to harm or cause her fear, and I realize that whether I stayed or left, those things were there for her. They always would be regardless of my presence. That is why leaving became the right thing to do. She was not finding peace with me, and I was not finding peace with her. Now she and I both have the opportunity to find it in a different way. My wish for her is always that, for peace and happiness in small and large moments. I wish this for me too.
I have found peace. Currently, I have only myself to answer to, other than work, obviously. I have only myself to console me, love me, satisfy me. I have never had a period of time where it was just me, only me, and to rely on myself alone. I have had short bursts of this, but never long enough to know if it was something I was meant for or not. This is my time to figure that out. I need to learn to be on my own, be alone. I have plenty of people around me so that I will not be truly alone, but my day to day life will depend on only me. While that is a little scary, I am looking forward to it.
In a few weeks, I will close on my house, do a few updates and move in. Once I am in, life will change dramatically. It will be me, just me for the first time in my life. I lived alone for a few months a couple of times, but there was always something brewing in terms of living a shared life with someone else. This is not where I am this time, and I am not only at peace with that, I am anxious to get started. It is a new chapter of life for me. I wonder what I will learn. I wonder what I will discover, and I wonder what it will become. I am so filled with wonder, that I cannot even envision what any of it will look or feel like, except the house. In my mind, I have painted and updated the whole thing, and while I could move in and do nothing comfortably, there are plenty of projects to keep my busy for a very long time.
I am 55. The road here has been long. I have struggled with life and death, pain and suffering, heartache and loneliness. I have also experience great joy, love, wonder, amazement, satisfaction and peace. I have been loved deeply and admired, seen as beautiful and as a leader of people. If I am lucky, my life is only half over. I probably don’t have 55 years left to live, but hopefully I have somewhat close to that, maybe 45. In that time, I hope to struggle some more, love some more, find more peace, satisfaction and amazement. I hope to be seen as clearly for who and what I am as I possibly can, and continue to heal from all of the suffering I cause myself over and over again. I am a work in progress. I know so much, and I know nothing. I hope to learn every day something new. What else is life for anyway?
-Namaste