I am not a Zen Master. To claim a title of Zen Master would, in fact, mean that someone is indeed not a Zen Master. The art of Zen, the practices of Buddhism and meditation, and the attainment of enlightenment are not things you can achieve or master. There is no place for ego in these beliefs or practices. The ego searches for status and attainment. Ego seeks to attach to a title or level achievement to things. At the moment you believe you have reached mastery of them, at the moment you say, “I am a Zen Master,” you are not, and prove you are not, because as you say that your ego takes over, and there is no room for an inflated ego in being a master of Zen or meditation practices.
There might be people who are considered Zen Masters. There are masters of Buddhist philosophy, masters of meditation, masters of enlightenment, aren’t there? Actually, there are and there aren’t. If it were possible, they would not be the ones to tell you that and claim any sort of status such as that. The people who would name others as masters are not the masters themselves. They are the ones who look to the possible masters as their teachers. In the Buddhist and other Eastern traditions, the Master is another name for the Teacher. The Teacher is the one who has practiced the way enough that others seek to learn from them. The Master does not name themselves. The students call them master. Without a student to name the master, there can be no master. Ture mastery would mean a state of having finished learning, mastering all that there is to know. Anyone who has studied or practiced Buddhism, meditation, or any other Eastern spiritual practice knows that none of them can be mastered in that way. They are called a practice because one can never learn all there is to learn about them. No one can truly master them in that way. One is always practicing to become a better student. One does not practice to become a Master.
Other sorts of spiritual practices that allow for a level of attainment or some sort of glory based on achievement, well those would not be ones aligned with Zen or Buddhism. They would be based on power and greed. Probably more of a Western Capitalist sort of ideology. You can be a master at greed and power, a master of capitalism. Though, I am not a master of either of those either.
What I am is a human being who has been practicing things like unconditional love, meditation, self-exploration, spiritual awakening, emotional regulation and secure attachment style for several decades. I have mastered none of it. I have learned a great deal, and I have become more and more aligned with the values I set out to live, but I will probably never be able to say I mastered any of those topics. Not because my ego is suppressed enough to prevent me from saying so, but because I am clear that I will never stop learning.
The most difficult topic for me to study and practice was managing my emotions. I was raised in a household where people “off-loaded” their emotions onto others, blamed others, and ridiculed those that resisted this practice of “off-loading”. You might ask, “What is ‘off-loading’ of emotions?” “Off-loading” emotions is when a person has an intense emotion that they do not wish to feel or own and so instead of feeling or owning it, they dump it onto another person. Anger is one of the most popular emotions to dump on others who do not deserve it. Fear is probably the second most popular emotion to dump on others. Dumping anger and fear on others is not kind and is what I was raised to do with my emotions. I saw it done by many members of my family and friends, and it was often done directly to me, and done to lots of people around me. I didn’t really know any other way to behave. I didn’t know how to sit with and feel my own emotions. I just “off loaded” them like I was taught, like my parents and siblings did, as well as other adults around us. I did not learn to own them. I did not learn to name them or feel them for myself.
In the late 90’s I started learning how to feel my emotions and to be more in touch with myself. This led to several years of intense suicidal ideation, a couple of hospitalizations for this, and a few more for other health related issues, like pneumonia. By 2004 I had stepped fully back into my own body, mind, and soul. I had achieved a sort of low level of peacefulness for the first time in my life perhaps. This was when I transitioned from female to male. This was also the time that my family completely abandoned me. The last time I mentioned that, my sister called me a liar and stated that she has always supported me. Just to be clear, she did not once contact me after my mother told her I was transitioning. After finding out about my transition, my mother cancelled her visit, and then told me that my sister and brother both said that being around me would be too confusing for their children, and I was no longer welcome around them or on our family vacations. This was one of the most hurtful things I have ever heard or experienced. It was also a typically way for my family to communicate, through others and off-loading their fear and anger onto me. I don’t know exactly what they were afraid of in my transition. They did not see fit to discuss it with me directly. So, in the early 2000’s I found myself, but I lost my family, including my son, my friends, my money, and was homeless. At least my job was secure, and I was promoted that year. While there was a ton of pain around my losses, I was, as I mentioned somewhat or mostly at peace within myself.
It was then that I began to earnestly study other spiritual practices. I was raised in a fundamental and evangelical Christian household. I no longer believed in those values or theologies. I began searching for what it was that I did believe. I was also in therapy again regularly doing deep dives into my own darkness and secret demons. Nothing I have learned was learned all at once. Nothing I believe came to me as a moment of knowing fully like a light turning on in my soul. It has been more like the tiniest of seeds being planted by this teacher or that moment, then watering and nurturing those seeds until they grew into something like a value, belief, or knowing of a thing. Years, decades, of work and practice have brought me to this moment where I have beliefs and values that are fairly solid, and always flexible and growing.
The more I learn, the more I know a few things about myself. My number one belief and value is this, that anything I know, I know is true only for me. I truly do not know that is true for any other person, only for me. Comparison is the thief of joy, but it is also the thief of compassion, understanding, connection, and love. The moment I start thinking I know anything about anyone other than myself, is the moment I lose my ability to love both of us. Don’t get me wrong, I am still one of the most opinionated people I know. I think lots of thoughts about people, what I think they should be doing, are doing, or could be doing. What I also know is that those are my thoughts. They are not right. They are not true. They are just things I think in the moment they cross my mind. They might also change 5 seconds later if someone adds new information to what I have heard or seen. I am always changing my mind about things. What hasn’t changed in many years though, is that the truth I know, is only for me. That means that your truth is in you, and only in you. No one else can tell you who you are or what you should be doing. You are the only one who knows you. Just as I am the only one who knows me.
One of the most important lessons I have learned is that no emotion is good or bad, but what people do when they act on it can be what creates the destructive forces on the planet. What people do with their emotions can be super damaging. I have also learned that my emotions are 100% not about anyone except myself. That is not to say that I never off-load emotions onto another person. I used to do that all of the time. Now, though it is rare, I am not entirely in control of that action just yet. It is never something I do intentionally anymore, but it does happen occasionally when I get overwhelmed. What I am newly learning is that how that is perceived by others is as anger about or at them. Other people sense the overwhelmed feeling, the fear, sadness, frustration or anger I am feeling and perceive it is about them. I get that. I am getting that more and more. It is hard for them to understand that it is not about them. I am experiencing something intense, and it might be any number of emotions, but whatever they are, I am 100% sure that those emotions are not about anyone else. They are mine, directed at me, and felt about me. Even if I snap at someone else, show frustration outwardly, raise my voice or complain about others. Inside, I am completely clear that what is causing my feelings, however intense they might be, is me and only me. No one else causes my fear or anger or any other emotions. I do. I create them, and I am the only one who can manage them.
I stopped blaming others for my feelings a very long time ago. I used to blame my parents, my brother, other key adults in my childhood, etc. I know that my family and others share responsibility for how I learned to behave in the world. They share the responsibility for my trauma, and what I learned about the world, but they are not responsible for how I behave now, how I feel now, or what I think now. They are responsible for how they acted back then, and I am responsible for what I made it mean, and how I assimilated it into my being. I do get angry. I do feel fear and frustration in life. I do not ever believe that someone else causes those feelings. I no longer blame others for making me mad, hurting my feelings, or causing me to behave badly. Those things happen from time to time, and they are 100% my responsibility.
When people ask me if I am mad at them, I am realizing that it feels like I am to them. What I think they might not know is that I never am. I never am mad at anyone else. I get mad only at myself for allowing what is happening around me to get to me, to frustrate me, to affect my sense of esteem or cause me fear. I have a lot of fear and anxiety, and when that gets really intense, I do feel something like anger, and it is all directed inward at myself for not being able to stay calmer and more peaceful in the world. If I get so overwhelmed with feelings that I express that with a tone, volume or word choice that feels like I am putting my emotion on someone else, that is unintentional. I am not trying to blame or give causation to my feelings by putting them on others. It is an expression of my feelings, done poorly, and sometimes without the control I wish that I had.
There are people out there who might be deserving of some of my anger, people politicians who are doing things to literally take away people’s rights, stop them from receiving proper mental and physical health care, and insight others to hate them, hurt them, and even kill them. When I say people, I mean my people, people like me, but I also mean any person who is being affected the current stream of hate and fear mongering that is happening. Those people might deserve some anger, but you know, if I feel anger, it is still at myself for allowing those foolish people get to me, affect me, and cause me to feel bad about myself, the world, or anyone else. I don’t think anger is a bad emotion. I don’t believe that I do not feel anger. I do believe that when I am angry, it is not at anyone else but me. When I feel fear, it is me causing it. When I am hurt, it is me who grabbed that thought and used it to hurt my heart.
Only love is something that is about other people. When I feel love or loved, that is about others. It is the thread of life that connects us, and those that I love are deserving of it, as all people are. Those that I love are the cause of love in me. They teach it to me. They bring it out in me. They show me what is lovable about me, them and the rest of this world. Love is something that binds us to one another. It is different for me than other emotions. I also believe that though it comes from and through others, it is a choice on my part to nurture it, allow it, and give it space to grow. I am also the only one who can block it, if I choose that. Not that I do that very often. I might choose to not associate with others, but I do keep loving them in a distant sort of way.
I do not know about other people and what they should or do believe or think about emotions and what causes them. I only know about me. For me, my emotions are not caused by things outside of me. I do not blame others for making me feel any type of way. I might feel a way that was triggered by something another person did, but they are not responsible for my feelings. They can take responsibility for their actions if they like, but my feelings are entirely my responsibility. I do not try put that on others to own, fix, or soothe. I will often ask them to hear about my experience, my feelings, my thoughts. That is not because I want them to own them, fix them or take care of me. It is because, sometimes understanding my experience, might be helpful for them to know that they are not the cause of my feelings. I am truly trying to offer them support. I also understand many people do not hear that is what I am saying or trying to do. It’s okay. I’m still working on my delivery of those things. I think it is when and how I talk about my thoughts and feelings that others start to think I am asking them for something instead of trying to give them something.
That is what I believe, and what I strive to do. What I also know is that how I am currently behaving in the world is NOT communicating this well. Maybe it is sometimes. I think I do well communicating it, maybe even 60% of the time. I have work to do for it to be how I communicate my emotions all of the time though. It is when I start to off-load those uncomfortable feelings that this gets miscommunicated, and it sounds like I am mad at or blaming others. I wasn’t seeing that well before, but I do see that now. I guess that means I just need to practice more.
What is the bottom line? I am not a Zen Master. I practice meditation, Buddhism, and self-awareness. I practice being calm and at peace in a crazy, dangerous world, in a body that does not work well, and coming from a family that does not think too highly of me. I feel scared and broken sometimes, and it can be hard to keep going. I do keep going though, and I always will. I am human, flawed, and not very good at some things sometimes. I am also kind and loving, which is what I enjoy most about myself. I have mastered nothing, but I practice hard at everything that matters. I practice being Zen and loving unconditionally. I will never master either.
Until next time, Namaste