The most common phobia, or fear, is public speaking, glossophobia. It is estimated that 75% of people worldwide have this fear. In the last post I discussed how people experience criticism. It makes sense that people would then naturally fear public speaking, right? We are often obsessed with what other people think of us, and trying to create certain thoughts or feelings about us in others. In a public speaking situation we have the absolute least control over what people think. There are more people, and we are speaking up in front of them, disconnected from them in intimacy levels, so have less ability to even know what they are thinking. That’s enough to scare anyone. I would think.
In considering both criticism and fear, the number one fear, glossophobia, in particular, I began to really wonder why. Why are people so fearful of criticism, worry so much about what other people think of them, and work so hard to try to control what other people think? This is can be an exhausting expenditure of energy. What I think of other people is more about me than it is about them. What you think of me or other people is more about you than it is about me or other people. Our own perceptions and expectations of how the world should work, people should be, and life should go clouds our every thought and feeling. That means that what we think of anything outside of ourselves is about us and our world view, not about the world itself.
I am a teacher. I get paid to create and deliver training to large and small groups of people in a fairly large organization. In a room full of people, it is just as likely that people will think I am awesome as think I am a jerk or an idiot. Not because of what I do or say, but because of what they think I should do or say, what they expect me to do or say, and/or their beliefs and values about what I am saying. If they agree with me, I will be brilliant and possibly funny. If they do not agree with me, I will be an idiot and possibly a jerk. Same me. Same speech, different responses, not because of me, but because of them.
I learned a little while back that I cannot teach anyone anything. I can only present information that I believe in. It is up to the learner to hear it, interpret it for themselves, and integrate it into their own beliefs and values as they see fit. It is up to them to learn it. I can try to make it easier by being as entertaining as I can be, staying positive, encouraging and open to feedback, but ultimately, I cannot control how people respond to me. That is hard to let go of for me. I have worked hard on it over the past few years, and feel like I am doing pretty well letting go of the results. I just do my best and continue to try to improve and grow, but I let go of what others are doing with it. I cannot control that. No matter who you are, or what you do, that is also true for you. You cannot control what others think of you, or how they respond to you. You might be able to influence it one way or the other, but no one can control what other people think of them.
That is exactly what scares people about things like public speaking, dating, starting a new job, meeting new friends, parallel parking etc. What others think of them is ultimately out of their control. The question I have is why do we care so much about what other people think of us. We care so much about it that we will bend over backward trying to make people like us who may not even have the capacity to do so. People try to make failing relationships work, hold onto friends who are no longer compatible with their beliefs and values, and stay members of groups that no longer serve their best interest, but why do we work so hard to be liked and accepted???
I think I figured that out, but obviously this is just my theory. I believe that we are all part of the same soul. I have said this before. Energy is all connected across all dimensions, and we are all connected by that energy. For the original “soul” to be able to experience itself, it had to separate from itself and become multiple souls. Energy cannot be created or destroyed, and it had to start somewhere, so it had to have started with someone. That someone could not create new beings that were separate from themselves because energy is not created, only changed. It had to separate its whole being into parts to create other beings. We are all part of this original life, energy, being etc. Whatever you want to call it. We are all part of the same energy source or being.
Because we are all part of this one being, the original being, we are in a constant state of seeking to reunite with each other, connect to one another, bond with one another. It’s like magnets. On a soul level we know we belong together and are connected to one another. We work really hard to be accepted and fit in to groups so we can feel that connection we lost when we were separated. We are seeking to reunite with ourselves as one whole being. We are afraid of not fitting in and being accepted, because that would cause us to be separated from ourselves, and that fear can drive everything we do.
Some people become so afraid of not fitting in that they work hard to be rejected and isolated from others. I can control being rejected easier than I can control being accepted, right? I am pretty sure that most people who reject connecting to other people would not identify that as true for them. They might truly believe that they just don’t like other people and have no interest in connecting with them. I don’t buy that argument for a second. I believe their experiences have taught them that they are not likely to be accepted by others, and so they begin to see no use for other people and reject them before they can be rejected. Any person that I have known who is like this, has learned to reject others as a preemptive strike, not because they truly do not want to connect. If someone can break through their barriers and truly love them, you can see a whole different person emerge who actually thrives on connection just like other people do. There are probably exceptions out there. I am definitely not the one true holder of truth about humans. I have just never met any of them.
Considering my limited exposure to other humans in the greater world, there are most definitely humans who do not fit this explanation. If you are one of those humans, this information is not for you. On the other hand, if you are like most of the other humans I know, this might resonate with you as true. You get to decide.
If you are one of the humans that is afraid of rejection, fears criticism, desires connection to others, and feels driven by these fears and desires, I get it. What you are feeling and thinking makes sense. It is not an irrational fear. It is a normal fear for humans. The problem with it is simply that what you are trying to control is essentially out of your control, which is why it is scary, of course. Because it is out of your control it might actually be driving you to an unhealthy pattern of action and interaction. How do you deal with the anxiety that is derived from this drive? Do you act out? Do you eat? Do you drink? Do you medicate with other substances or actions trying to alleviate it? That is the problem. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be liked and accepted. It is human nature to want to bond with others. What can be harmful is when we are so worried about how others are perceiving us, and whether we will be accepted, that we are engaged in harmful habits to deal with this anxiety.
I have done a “core fear” exercise with a bunch of people in my coaching experience. Bottom line for all of their fears, mine included, was loss of esteem from others. What I am saying is that this is normal to fear. It is normal to be anxious about it. Now, what are you going to do to manage this anxiety so that it doesn’t destroy you? That is the bigger question. I will attempt to answer that, but unfortunately this post is already too long, so I will have do it in the next post. Stay tuned tomorrow!