Understanding how forgiveness is for you is the first part of learning to forgive. Realizing there is nothing to forgive is the next level.
When we are harmed by another person, it is not actually that person that has harmed us. It is our interpretation of what they said, and how they said it, or what they did, and why we think they did it. Even if they say out loud, “I am doing this, saying this, or being this on purpose to hurt you,” that is not about you. When we make another person’s outward expression of their internal struggle and lack of peace about us, we are the ones hurting ourselves.
On a daily level, that person who used a tone to hurt your feelings. That is not actually real. While there may have been a tone in their voice, and it might have been intended to hurt you, it was not about you. The fact that you heard the tone and made it about you, is your stuff. You are projecting your vision of that person onto them. It is not really who they are and what they are doing. We can never really see another person because all we ever see is who we are projecting onto them that we think they are, never who they really are.
So when someone hurts your feelings, your hurt feelings are your business. The forgiveness lies with you for you. Forgive yourself for hurting yourself with another person’s actions or words. The other person’s stuff is what they have done, and is their business to deal with. If they are lashing out, they have some stuff to deal with for sure, and that stuff is not yours to handle. You can show them compassion and love. You can realize it’s not your business what they do to express their inner turmoil and strife, and it’s not about you.
Think about whose business are you in when you project a motive onto another person, when you project their tone, meaning, purpose etc. onto their words or actions? Why are you doing that? Where does that come from? Whose story are you telling? The story here is completely your own. One that you made up about them and their actions. A story you made up about their story and how you are the object of their story. That is your ego making you the most important thing in the story of another soul. Your story is, what that person did is about you. That is your story, and it is a false one. Their story is about them. They are the star of their story, and it is a story you can never truly know without being them. You can only guess. Your guess is your story, not theirs, and is about you.
Forgiveness is realizing that you are the one creating your pain and forgiving yourself for doing this. It is about having compassion and love for another person for whatever their story truly is that created their actions and words. Understanding their humanity is no greater or less than your own. It is having compassion, patience and love for yourself while you practice and learn to find your own sense of peace inside your story of you. For each person who brings you an opportunity to practice this, say, “Thank you for the opportunity to notice my story about you, and about myself. I hope to learn from this.”
You are not a bad person because you do this. We are all like this. We are human, and as a human we have developed some habits like projecting our story onto other humans. Animals don’t have this ability, only humans do, and we are damn good at it. Beating yourself up about this is also not helpful to your sense of peace. That is the forgiveness part. True forgiveness is cutting yourself a break and letting go of the pain. The beauty of this is not blaming yourself for your pain. It is realizing that you get to choose to not take on the pain of others and make it your own
Mantra for the day: I am full of forgiveness, love, compassion and patience for myself. I share that love, compassion and patience with others as best as I can. Today and every day is an opportunity to learn and practice peace.
Namaste, I forgive myself for being myself and learn from it every day.