Let’s talk about monkeys. Monkeys are super cute, right? They are also a bit challenging to manage, they like to be silly and are pranksters, and sometimes throw poo. I’d like to make an analogy that the lists we make for ourselves, and for others, might be a bit like monkeys. So much fun to have and to observe, but sometimes a bit challenging to manage, and sometimes they are poo. So, how does one manage a list, well, similarly to how one might go about handling the fun monkeys in life.
Lists, first of all, need attention. Making a list and then never consulting it or giving it any attention will cause the list to become very unruly and difficult to accomplish. Some lists need constant attention. Others only a periodic review. It really depends on the list itself, and what it contains, whether or not we need to pay attention to it daily, or if quarterly is enough. The point is, know your list and give it the proper attention.
What kind of attention do we give a list though? That also depends on the list. What we need to do is be vigilant for how the lists are behaving and impacting us. You know that list that isn’t down on paper, but is just sitting idly in the back of your mind. It might loom like a giant gorilla just sitting there with a big dark shadow. What type of things are on this type of list? Honestly, it can be big things like finding a life partner, getting married, making a certain amount of money, having a certain title at your company, etc. It can also be smaller things like cleaning the gutters, putting away the yard things for fall, mowing the lawn, doing the dishes. The point is, the more we don’t pay attention to the things on the big dark list that looms, the bigger they seem, and the more big and intimidating they seem.
Once you drag these dark looming lists out into the light for some attention and discussion, they all of the sudden seem less looming and ominous. Avoiding the items, not discussing or considering them, is what makes them grow big and dark and scary. Every so often, pull out the more intimidating items on any list and consider them. Talk about their value on the list, consider if you still want to do them, or if you want to maybe pay someone else to do them, like the gutter or the lawn. Maybe you partner with someone else to do yours together then do theirs with them. Teamwork makes anything more fun, right?
Considering if you still want something on your list is also really important. Even if it is a big life thing like getting married. Even if you decide to keep something like that on a list, perhaps you want to take a look at how the fact that it isn’t happening is weighing on you. Maybe consider if you have made that information mean something bigger than simply it hasn’t happened for me yet? Also consider if you might need to adjust the path you are taking to get there, like a promotion. Just sitting back and doing the minimum to get by in your current role, rarely makes you stand out when it comes time for promotions. Do you really want the promotion? Are you willing to do more work to show people you are ready for one? If the first is yes, but the second is no, then reconsider the first one. Rarely do people just hand you something for nothing. It is also true with relationships. Finding the right person and getting married requires risk. You have to put yourself out there. Putting yourself out there means you risk being rejected, and being rejected might hurt, sometimes a lot. You have heard the saying that you only miss 100% of the shots you don’t take? Relationships are 100% the same thing. You can’t have one if you don’t try one.
The biggest thing to remember with a list is that it is just a list. It is not a measuring stick. It does not indicate your value as a person, your abilities to be good or kind or worthy of love. It is just a list. Lists can change too. If you are not doing well on a list, simply changing the list or the timelines can make things seem much more manageable. It’s flexibility that makes a list most helpful. When you write a list in stone, they become rigid and difficult to accomplish. Lists written in pencil, now they have a life and can be flexible and adjustable based on your desires and what life throws at you.
Be careful how you attempt to manage the lists of other people. I mentioned in the last article, that attempting to manage lists for other people will often backfire on you. It can damage both parties and ruin relationships. As a supervisor, it took me many years and making many mistakes trying to tell people what they should be doing, before I realized that did not work. Some people say they just want you tell them what to do. I find that the people who want you to tell them what to do, really don’t. I say that because most often the people who say that, when they are told what to do, they still don’t do it. What I think they might mean is they want you to tell them to do what they want to do, and if what you tell them does not match what they wanted you to tell them, they are really not as interested in being told what to do. Funny how ironic that seems.
What I find works better with others when we think they are not managing their own lists well is to do what I suggested earlier for our own lists. Work with the person to bring out their lists into the light and discuss them with you. This will only work if the person trusts you to see their list and trusts you to not judge or shame them for what they have or have not accomplished on your list.
An example of truly being non-judgmental of another person’s list is a friend of mine. I told him I was considering all of the things I was not able to do when I was married because they were not on the list of things my ex wanted me to do. I was talking about becoming a smoker again, that I had considered that. My friend did not jump on that, did not tell me it was a bad idea, and I should not do that. He was non-judgmental about it, and simply asked me questions about becoming a smoker, why I might want to do it, why I might not want to do it, what appeal it had etc. In the end, I decided to not become a smoker again. It’s too expensive and while I enjoyed doing it, I did not enjoy any of the side effects. However, I have chosen to do a few things I could not do while married, and I mentioned to him that I was still considering becoming an alcoholic. It is sort of a joke, but what I mean is that I am considering if I want to drink more often. Jury is still out as to whether that seems like a good idea or not.
The point is, even saying that did not get me a judgment or a should for what I should do or not do, just questions about what I was thinking, and why I might be thinking that way. I really like that approach when done for me, but I also know, other people do not always like that approach. It is because looking at themselves and their choices in a brighter light can be uncomfortable. While you might not be judging them when you ask the questions, they might very well start judging themselves, and shaming themselves, and project and think you are judging them. When all you are doing is asking questions about what they are thinking and experiencing in order to help them define their path.
Something I have learned is that a person needs to be in a right space to be asked questions that drag things out into the light. If they are not in a good space or feeling safe in their current mood, asking a bunch of questions will sometimes be overwhelming. It is important to ask people if they want your help, and be respectful if they say no to you. It is also helpful to know what sort of help they might need. If they say yes, then ask, something like, how can I support you right now?
Sometimes we feel obligated to set people on the right path to success. Like if we are the person’s boss, partner or spouse, parent, best friend, etc. We feel like their lists somehow reflect on our value, not just their own, and we have to push them or help them manage the lists effectively. It’s not our monkey to manage though. Knowing what monkeys are yours and what monkeys belong to others is really important. We do share monkeys with other people though. That simply means that we need to be flexible in the care of that monkey so that it meets the needs of both caretakers. That can be tough, because we often feel like our way to care for the monkey is the right way to care for it, and sometimes the only proper way. In which case, being flexible in its care so that others can feel good about it too, can be hard. Especially if they do not agree with our ideas about monkey care.
Other people who do what they are told, are not necessarily responsible people. They are compliant people. They are not the initiators in life, theirs or other people’s. They will always need other people to tell them what to do, and will not learn independence or self-sufficiency. They don’t often fail, if they dutifully do what they are told, but they do miss opportunities to grow and shine because they are waiting for someone else to give them permission to do those things. People who are coached and supported to create and manage their own lists, or monkeys, learn to manage their own monkeys and their own lives. They are more independent and self-sufficient, need support less often and feel better about who they are, even if they accomplish less tasks in life. Feeling in control of your own life, lists and monkeys is empowering. Yes, you will fail, potentially more often, if you manage your life yourself. But think about it, when have you learned the most, in success or in failure. All of life is a lesson to learn. You simply need to treat it like one. If something appears to fail, study it, bring it into the light, deal with the pain in the failing, and seek out ways to be more successful in the future. Do not do what others tell you that you should do, do what makes sense to you, and if it does not work out for you, don’t say that you should have done what that other person told you to do. Tell yourself that you were in control of that choice, and you are now in control of the next one. You now get to choose which way to go from here. That is powerful. See yourself as the powerful being you are, and no list, accomplished or not, can take that away from you.
When you are tempted to “help” people manage their monkeys, don’t. At least not until you have asked permission, and their thoughts on how you might actually be helpful. I am still working on that one. It is hard because sometimes I feel like I just know what others should do, and I also know, that telling them what to do will always lead them back to me to ask for my help again, and this is not self-sufficiency. It is dependency, and it is not actually helpful in the long run. Even when I feel good about being asked to help. It feels just as good to help, when helping means supporting people to find their own path and power to carry out the management of their own monkeys.
Namaste