People don’t always say what they mean or mean what they say, right? So, how do we know who to trust? That is a challenging one. We know ourselves, and if we tend toward being overly trusting or overly not trusting. Both of those can lead to problems in relationships and connection. The question then is, how do we figure out the balance between those two? Because balance is usually the most useful for relationships and connection. That’s not an easy answer, though. I have some guidelines that I follow. I don’t think these are the only things that can determine who to trust or not trust. They are simply what I have developed over my lifetime. I am kind of old, so these are developed over a long time and through many experiences where I trusted the wrong people, and where I trusted the right people.
Manage fear. That is the first guideline. Trust means opening yourself up to another person who might hurt you. That is scary. If we are going to trust that what others are saying to us is true, from their personal experience, and they are not gaslighting us or trying to shift accountability, and they truly want to support understanding between us, our first step is to try to manage our own fear that we might be wrong to trust them. Part of this is being able to understand where that fear is coming from. What are we truly afraid will happen if we trust someone who turns out to be a liar?
One thing is we might look foolish for trusting someone who is not worthy of our trust. Do not underestimate the depth of fear around this one. It might seem like it isn’t a big deal to appear foolish. For many, though, appearing to have made a foolish decision or doing something that others believe they should have known not to do, like trust the wrong person, can be devastating. The hit we take to our self-esteem or self-worth can be very high when we appear foolish. This is something that develops in family culture where mistakes are not considered ways to learn. They are considered errors of fundamental inadequacies as human beings. In families where mistakes are unforgivable or where making one means you may not ever be seen as competent again, feeling foolish is the end of all things good. That is a huge reason some people cannot or do not trust other people easily. They have to be sure that they can trust you because to be wrong about that, means they have made an unforgivable mistake. The other thing we fear is that if we trust someone who is trying to hurt us, we might get hurt, like actually hurt. Hurt can be physical or mental/emotional. Both can be traumatic to experience. If we have ever trusted someone who harmed us physically or emotionally, we become nervous to open ourselves up to allow that to happen again. Humans tend to avoid pain. It’s just our nature. We think, if we trust no one, no one can harm us. That isn’t true, unfortunately. People can still harm us if we do not trust them. What is true, though, is that if we trust no one, many will not trust us, and we will struggle to form intimate bonds with anyone. It can be terrifying to trust someone new, or after someone has hurt you, and managing the fear around that will be essential if you intend to continue in the relationship with a person. Not saying stop being afraid. Fear is not bad and needing to be stopped. Saying, be honest about what you are afraid of and where that is coming from. It might be coming from the other person, and it might be coming from your past. Try not to put the fear of the past repeating onto other people who have not earned that mistrust.
On the other hand, being cautious about trusting people is not a bad thing either. People are sometimes not safe to trust. Therefore, second guideline is that it is a good idea to wait to trust others. We do not want to meet a new person and automatically assume that they can or want to be trusted with our deepest, darkest secrets. Just putting trust out there does not make it so. We don’t want to assume we can’t trust anyone, and we want to wait and give people a chance to earn the trust we place in them. I have found that most people can and want to be trusted on some level. Finding what that level is, is the key here. Patience is also important here. We need to give people time to show us to what level they can and want to be trusted.
For this one, the guideline is pay attention to what people do. People might not say what they mean or mean what they say, but what they do is usually following their truth. You can usually trust people to do what they have done before. We are creatures of habit, and it is often very difficult for us to change our behavior, especially habitual behavior. As you get to know someone, how do they behavior in general? Are they typically honest with you, with others, in life? Do they follow through with what they say they will do? Does their behavior match their words? No one is 100% on the ball with this, not ever. What we are watching for here is the common pattern. Not did they follow through with absolutely everything they said they would? But in general, do they do what they say, and say what they will be doing. Does their word mostly match their behavior? If the general rule is, there is a match, then the person is predictable. Predictability is something we can trust in others. I like a nice spontaneous surprise as much as the next guy, but someone where you have no idea how they might act or respond in any situation. That level of spontaneity or lack of predictability breeds mistrust for me. So being someone that people can reliably predict how they will handle or respond to situations, well, that is one level of trust. The next level though is what are the predictably going to do?
Who deserves our trust? People who demonstrate that they can just be trusted to do what they say, match their words to their actions, and who also say and do things that respect and honor the well-being of others. Most people can be trusted to be who they are. The next level is, who are they? I dated someone who early on in the relationship several times showed joy in the suffering of others, especially if she had done something to cause that suffering. She felt justified in causing that harm and also in relishing in that person’s suffering. This should have been a red flag for me, in terms of trust. I learned over time that I could trust her to want to seek and carry out revenge and punishment upon anyone she perceived as having “done her wrong.” That list of who done her wrong was often very long, and often included me. I am not saying she is a bad person or untrustworthy in general. She is who she is though. I could trust her to absolutely be this person. What I also learned, is that she was not someone I could trust to forgive me or others. I could trust her to hold a grudge and attempt to harm anyone on the grudge list, but I could not trust her with my open heart asking for forgiveness. It would not be given until I had suffered enough punishment. The point here is consistency in and of itself demonstrates one level of trust, the consistency of forgiveness, compassion, respect, and honoring others’ vulnerability is the next level. If that is not there, be careful. Trust them to be who they are, but maybe don’t trust them with your open heart too easily.
Human beings are complicated. I have found that most are struggling along just like me. Most want to be good people, and most know some of the ways to accomplish this, and what they don’t know, they want to learn. When you find those people, they can usually be trusted to walk alongside you in this journey. If you run across someone who seems inconsistent in their word matching their actions, or their actions seem to not align with your values or with consideration of others, show more caution in your willingness to trust them. Know this too, you will make mistakes. If you trust people, sometimes, they will let you down. Even those who are worthy of your trust will let you down sometimes. Try not to toss out all trust if someone makes a mistake from time to time. See what they are trying to accomplish, where their heart truly is and where they intend to go. See their humanity and forgive them when they ask. Give them more chances to earn your trust and grow into better people. If we toss out anyone who ever makes mistakes, well we will be lonely in our high tower. No one has this all figured out and mastered. We all make mistakes. I use a rule of thumb like this, where is the person’s heart, values, sense of commitment to others well-being? If where they are is committed to learning to be better, open to feedback and hearing how their behavior impacts others, and learning new ways to be in the world, trust them. If they start to shut down and not be open to learning, they might not be someone to completely trust. People not open to learning will make mistakes, the same ones, over and over again. They won’t try to change or grow. If they hurt you, and can’t learn, they will keep hurting you. So, less trust there makes sense. If they learn, try to do better, even if they are not quite there, but you can see they are trying to be better, then yes, keep supporting them to grow and show them the trust they need to be able to do that. Trust like any other skill takes practice. As we practice, we will fail or make mistakes. Know that it is okay to do that, both trusting too much, and not trusting enough. You can always recover from both, particularly with people who are able to recover with you.
Hope this help. Until next time. – Namaste