I apologize for anyone waiting for this article. Life got a bit busy for me. Hopefully you have spent the past several days examining your truths. Let’s move to applying that skill to our shame triggers. First, let’s look at an example of how the spiral might look when you don’t do anything differently. Your path through this may look identical or slightly different. Try to see your path though as it currently flows.
- The list of things we believe are facts about ourselves, the world, other people etc. sits in our minds, in our subconscious, waiting.
- Experiences happen.
- We apply that list of facts, which are subconsciously in our minds all of the time, to the experience (this happens in literally seconds). It’s like putting on a set of filtering glasses to see the experience through.
- We create a perception of the experience based on these facts or thoughts we carry around with us all of the time, our perception is formed based on our glasses.
- That perception tends to prove our facts and totally miss any evidence of other possible truths. The glasses filter out anything that does not agree with our truths.
- We then believe in our perception of the experience as a truth or fact of how it is or was. It is added to the filter as proof.
- If that perception of the experience called up a fact about ourselves that was proof of our shame, we will feel shame (again, this is all happening within seconds of the experience happening)
- Our bodies respond to the feelings of shame and trigger physical sensations that go along with that shame.
- We use those body sensations to further feel shame about ourselves and prove our facts of our shamefulness, and then the spiral into shame war and destruction begins. We just keep spinning around in the perceptions, feelings, and body sensations.
We get into this war within seconds of an experience occurring in our lives. It happens, and boom, we are there. Then it may take anywhere from hours to days or months for the physical sensations of shame to go away. It takes longer for the thoughts to stop being on the top of our every waking moment rehearsing the experience and reliving the shame, but slowly the thoughts recede also. Until another experience happens and it starts all over again. This is the devastating cycle of shame.
Now, let’s talk about what we can do differently. During our journey into shame, we have the option at any point, to make a different choice. Before events happen, we can work on our truths and assumptions about ourselves, others, the world around us and open up possibilities for different thoughts and beliefs about things. Creating this open space for options can slow down the progression into shame.
Next, we can learn to breathe. Taking a deep breath and pausing before we react to any thought or feeling that is about to or already has washed over us makes a big difference. If we pause, then we can decide consciously if we want to go down the usual path to shame, or if we want to try on some other possible options or thoughts. Practice breathing and pausing in life daily when it is not so intense. Daily breathing and sitting still with our thoughts and making space for them to open up to different places and options can do a lot to help us stay open when shame is looming.
After we practice before the shame arrives, when it does, keep up that same focus on practicing options, opening space, considering other truths. As we begin to react shamefully to an event, pause, breathe, consider what you are thinking and feeling consciously. We try to avoid letting it wash over us without being aware of it happening. See it coming, and don’t necessarily stop it, but as it comes, don’t grab onto it and attach to it. Keep breathing and let the thoughts and feelings keep on going right by.
If we do latch on to it and start down the path to shame, at any time, even if the deepest depths of it, we can change it. We can take a breath, pause, consider what is happening, and use the practiced different possible thoughts and try to just be open to the other options. We don’t have to try to change our own minds, change our feelings or our thoughts, just allow for different thoughts and feelings to take up the same space with the shame thoughts. Draw them into the same space for a moment, so we can see them together, and then choose something different when we are ready.
If we can’t do this on our own, we can ask for help. I cannot encourage you enough to reach out to ask a trusted person for help. It is important that we find and cultivate at least one trusting relationship. Even if that is a paid therapist or coach because in a shame spiral, we need a trusted person to help us open up space for different options other than shame. It can be challenging to see anything other than the facts we already knew about our shame without another person who sees us differently, who we can trust to be honest, but also support us and see us as the amazing and wonderful souls that we are. We ALL are. We need a trusted person to feed us the new possible different ways of seeing things sometimes. Trusted to be honest, care for our hearts and feelings, and to be able to see things rationally and with possibilities we cannot. Then we need to trust them to do that. This can be hard if other people we used to trust used our vulnerability to manipulate, gaslight or harm us in other ways. Being open to sharing this with someone can be scary, but if we do, we can find a way out of the spiral even if we get super lost in it. Be careful, and do it, trust someone to help.
Until next time. . .
Namaste