We have talked about the environmental causes of shame, the internal accountability for creating shame that is within us, but is there a physiological cause for shame? Are some people just predisposed to feeling shame more than others? Like, is there a DNA of shame, are women more likely than men, or vice versa? I am not a Scientist or a Doctor, so I do not know that much about DNA or physiology. What we do know about humans though, is nothing is solely an environmental or personal accountability situation. There is usually something that is physiological or chemical within a person that adds to what the environment sets up, and the person takes on with their own perceptions of what is happening.
When we think physiological, we might start to look at things like astrology or personality typing. These seem to be character traits, ways of being and processing the world that are predetermined by when and where we were born, our parents DNA, our personal plan we made with our higher self before we were born etc. I also am not an exert on those perspectives either. I don’t know for sure that there is a plan set about by God or the gods for us. I don’t know for sure that we choose our own life path and situation. I don’t know that astrological signs do or do not determine our personality or even if our personality is set before we were born.
Here is what I do know. It’s complicated. If there are physiological, astrological, genetic, chemical, or environmental causes for our Shame War, we do not have control over any of that. In fact, we also do not have any control over what we did in the past. We are accountable for at least some portion of the creation of our war on shame via our responses to those things that are out of our control, but we do not have any control over our past responses. We can’t usually control a physiological response to triggers in the world around us in the present, let alone control the triggers themselves. We can only begin to understand, and then choose our response to what happens to try to shut down the shame.
Again, I adamantly urge you to hear this as a statement of power. We are accountable for our shame in some part, and only we can shift from shameful to powerful. We can’t change the world around us. We can’t change the past. We can’t change our DNA or our astrology. What we can change is how we see ourselves and the choices we make, if we want to, and we think we need to. This is not a new place to shame ourselves by reminding ourselves of how our past responses were shameful. It is a new place to feel powerful. A place to remind ourselves that we can choose a different response when the shame tries to take us. This is not simply a matter of doing something different though. Not an easy shift that we just do. It takes time, often years of time and practice.
For this change to happen, we must become self-aware. This is not an easy task for most of us. It takes digging in deeply to what has happened to us, how we responded, and understanding who we are on a fundamental level. We cannot change our lives if we don’t know what our life is now and how it got there. If you are ready to know yourself, then let’s dig in!
As you look back into your history and your environment, did you see events that brought shame into your life? When you started to look into your accountability, did you notice how you responded or began to perceive things that brought new or more shame into your life? This is good. By doing this, we start to unwind and shed light onto the battle field ahead of us. Shame cannot win in the light. It survives in the darkness of not knowing or understanding.
The next step in this journey is to write it down. I know, these sort of exercises seem pointless or sometimes too hard, but it’s worth it to try. Yes, you can just think about it, but trust me when I say writing it down and seeing your experiences, thoughts, perceptions and reactions in writing, brings a different level of knowing. I’m going to give you a few days to do this before posting the next step. So over the next few days, think back through all of the different possible ways shame may have entered your life. Think about what was done to you and by whom. Think about how you responded to those events, and what you came to make those events mean about you and about the world in which you live. List people who contributed to your shame and how. List your thoughts and feelings that contributed to your shame. Take a little bit of time to think about if there might be a physiological, astrological or other worldly cause or contributor to your shame and write that down too, even if you think it is silly. Write it down, and they you will know it better.
The point of this is not to blame anyone. Not your parents, teachers, exes, friends, or even yourself. Blame is not helpful. We are simply trying to know and understand ourselves and how we got to be this person. We are powerful and amazing, and we need to know how we got here to start to master where we are going. That is all we are doing. It’s not about confronting anyone. If you want to confront people, not saying don’t, just saying that isn’t the point of what we are doing. We are just about knowing and understanding the past to inform the present.
Once you have all of that written down, remind yourself that all of that is the past and completely out of your control. Remind yourself of it over and over again. You are not to blame. It’s not your fault. This did not make you a victim, even if you were in a victim role at times. NONE of this defines YOU. None of it is permanently who you are or will always be. Remind yourself of this over and over as often as you need to do it. Next, we’ll talk about moving forward differently. We are going to put all of this into a folder marked Past, not forgotten, just put it in perspective. The future is a new chapter of our lives and we are going to write it differently this time.
Two things, if you don’t need or want to change your life, because you don’t or you aren’t ready or it’s not necessary. You don’t need to do this. Also, if while doing this, some big stuff comes up that causes you more stress than you think you can handle, I recommend you stop and do the process with a professional counselor. Shame is insidious, as I mentioned. It can crush you if you aren’t prepared to dig into it. If you find you are overwhelmed, no worries, not your fault and you are not weak, and you might need more support. Take a break, find a friend or professional to work on this with. It doesn’t make you a bad person. You can do this, and you might need some help, NO SHAME in that. Do what you need to do.
-Namaste