The first step in diminishing a Shame War is to identify the origins of the shame itself. Asking where, when, and how did I start to feel the shame that triggers this war inside me? Knowing where it comes from begins the journey toward healing it.
Shame can develop in a person through many channels. It can be influenced from a single event or repeated similar events. It can be influenced by one person and how they treat someone or from multiple people who treat someone in similar ways. There isn’t any one cut and dry influence on the development of shame that is consistent from person to person. However, there are some common themes that influence how and if a person develops a shame trigger that in some cases becomes a life long Shame War.
One way a Shame War can develop is through family culture and how well a person fits into that culture. How well did they feel understood, valued, and validated within their family. How did the members of the family treat each other? How was that treatment internalized or perceived by its members? What messages did the person receive repeatedly about who they were and how did that match up with their internal sense of themselves? There isn’t a specific type of family culture that automatically creates or would not create a Shame War inside someone. It is more about how a person fits into the family culture whatever it is, and how everyone responds to how well they fit in that influences the situation.
For example, a person who identifies as a member of the Queer community, perhaps gay, lesbian, non-binary etc., and their family is a conservative religious family that believes that being queer is a choice and abomination to God, and if a person chooses that lifestyle they should be cast out of the flock. The odds of the person who identifies as queer developing some shame in this family is pretty high. In fact, the odds are nearly 100% that this person will develop at minimum a shame trigger if not a full on war situation. On the other hand, same person, if they are in a family that is open and believes that all people have a right to be whoever they are and supports and celebrates their queer family member, that person is way less likely to develop shame around their queerness. If we reverse the situation above, and there is a person who is conservative at heart growing up in a liberal and open family culture, they might end up feeling shame about who they are. Whereas if they were in the conservative family, would be less likely to develop shame triggers around those areas of who they are.
The point being, not everyone who grows up in a specific type of family is destined to feel shame about who they are. It is more about if they are in a family that they feel a part of, accepted and supported within or if they feel like their family is completely different and in fact is against them. There are variations within these extremes of course. The family could be sort of accept and be somewhat supportive and tolerate the person even if they didn’t get it. Shame triggers might be there, but perhaps not a full blown war.
Another way a Shame War can develop is through peer interactions, and is similar to how it develops in families. Shame can manifest if a person feels as though they do not have peers, or their peers do not understand or accept them or something about them. It can happen if the peers actively call out reasons to ridicule or humiliate someone. If this happens regularly or even just once it can have a long lasting triggering impact on someone. Again, who a person is and the type of peers they have isn’t the thing that causes the situation. It is how well do they fit in, feel valued and accepted, and how others treat them for being different. In an accepting peer culture where people are different and that is appreciated, less shame would likely develop vs. a culture where most people seem to be similar and anyone who is different is treated badly, humiliated, ridiculed, etc., shame is more likely to develop.
You are probably getting the idea. It has less to do with who we are, and more to do with how we are treated for who we are. In this sense, it can happen if we have one teacher who is too hard on us, one event with an authority figure in our life, or if we have repeated events with many people where something about who we are is responded to with shaming. Consider your history. As you developed as a person, how did the world around you respond to who you are? Was it with support, celebration, encouragement, love or with shame, ridicule, tolerance, punishment etc.? Even tolerance can produce shame if under the “tolerance” is an underlying idea that you are wrong, but we will tolerate you because we love you. That can hurt just as much as direct rejection.
Here is the catch though, just because you developed in a shaming environment, does not mean you will always develop deep shame. Just because you developed in a generally accepting or neutral environment does not automatically remove the possibility of developing shame. How the world around you treats you influences your propensity for shame, but it is not the only deciding factor. Note that what I am saying is, developing in a shaming environment makes it more likely that you will develop shame, and developing in a non-shaming environment makes it less likely, but neither are automatically going to cause or prevent it.
The next article will dive into another influencing factor, us. The perceptions we create in our hearts and minds in response to the environment around us are the next factor that influences the development of shame triggers and wars. Until next time . . .
-Namaste