In having conversations with my friends, I’d like to amend some of what might have not been clear in my last posts. If you didn’t read them, you will probably find it helpful to read the last two first.
As I wrote the last two posts, I was leaning in the direction of thinking we could 100% choose what we are attracted to both as friends and as sexual partners. I was not sure about that, but was leaning in that direction. In talking it over with friends, I have an amendment. I do believe we choose our thoughts to focus on, we choose our belief systems about what the words love, sexy, friendship, lover, romance etc. mean to us. Those choices change over time and are heavily influenced by the childhood we had. However, whether we innately are attracted to feminine energy, masculine energy, neither or both, for certain types of relationships is not entirely about our thoughts and childhood influences.
Gender is also something that is not a choice. It is how we are inside. However, gender is also heavily influenced by how we are raised, and what we have learned to be to survive in the world. Not necessarily whether we feel male, female, or don’t have a strong affiliation for the binary at all is not something we choose. I would not choose to feel a different gender identity as my body tells the world I am. I tried for 38 years to deny what my mind knew was true about who I am. The fact that I denied my natural gender expression is what was influenced by the world, not the feeling I had about it. I don’t remember a time when I did not feel like this body was not mine but was supposed to belong someone else. After I transitioned, it was better, more aligned, and never will be all the way aligned. That is okay, and is not about sexiness to me. I feel sexy in my own body. That is good because that allows me to feel sexy with someone else. That is the way my gender influences my sexuality. I feel secure in my gender identity, and that is sexy to me, so I feel sexy to others, and therefore sexy can happen.
Back to orientation though. Whether I am drawn to feminine energy, masculine energy, neither or both, when I want sexy times might be more fluid than other people, but it definitely leans to the feminine. I am not sure exactly what causes this. Possibly because I like to feel strong and supportive. For many years I had a hero complex and wanted to save everyone. I don’t do that anymore, but I do enjoy mentoring and supporting people to be their own heroes and heroines. I also like softness, sweetness, vulnerability, emotional connections, and tenderness. I am not saying a masculine energy could not be those things, just saying it is not often that I see that in someone super masculine. That is more about how men are typically socialized, not about who they have to be. Why I am attracted to those things about humans has a lot to do with with how I think about myself and what I want my life to look like.
I have had mostly female friends throughout my life. I did not understand or sustain friendships with men well. I am a man, but not a traditional one, so they don’t often get me either. It feels awkward when it’s personal. Though we do well together working on projects and getting things done. As friends, it’s always been tougher. I did date men when I was young, but it didn’t really click with any of them, until I met the man I married. Also, he is a soft and sweet man, who liked that I was strong and took charge of things. He has a rather traditionally feminine energy. So, not saying I can’t be attracted to men, just saying I am attracted to how women are for the most part. I am also usually not attracted to really masculine presenting women.
I am 100% certain that just because I am like this, does not mean that everyone is like me. I am sure that how people develop and become sexually attracted to others is their own path. Just like mine was my own.
So the amendment is, that I may have offended by suggesting sexuality and even gender are choices. They aren’t. How we choose to express our gender identity and sexuality is. There can be a lot of flexibility in that, and it is a spectrum of desire and need and identity all wrapped up in our childhood influences and societal norms, what we were taught to believe, and what we choose to believe. In short, it isn’t simple. It will never be simple. It will always be the most complicated part of being human. Relationships no matter what kind, will always be complicated.
I still wonder, what if it was simple? What if it could be simple? Wouldn’t that be lovely? What I mean to say is, if how we keep choosing sexual partners keeps ending up in a mess, perhaps it is the way we think about what is sexy that is creating that. I am not saying that if you are gay or straight or don’t identify with any sort of sexuality standard, that you can change your orientation. We know that is not true. I am saying that within that range of what you enjoy and are attracted to, you do have a choice in the kinds of things and people you find sexy. Why not work on choosing to find people who treat you well, are kind, and understanding and share your values as sexy? Those people do exist, and they do exist in every gender expression and sexual orientation. You just have to look and be open to it.
-Namaste