There is a distinct difference between independence, interdependence and codependence. I have been thinking this through for a long time. I work at a company that provides supports for people with disabilities. The focus there tends to be toward this idea of independence, like people should not need other people to support them and so we push people to need less and less support. The supervisors do the same thing with their employees. They want them to be independent and not need support from the managers. I have done the same thing in relationships, saying that my partner should not need me and be able to take care of themselves. There is this societal push for people to not need each other and to “take care of themselves.”
The thing I keep wondering about though is that if people should take care of themselves and be independent, then why aren’t they built that way? We are built to need support. People do not do well completely on their own. That might not be true for all people, I suppose. Some people are great all by themselves, but most people do better with other people in their lives to support them. If people need other people, and they aren’t really supposed to be alone and take care of themselves, why do we sometimes think that that they should? Why do we criticize, shame, and devalue people when they need support to be successful?
I think that is a result of dysfunctional codependence rather than a healthy level of interdependence. Interdependence is a balance of what people need, what people can offer and what is healthy to do in support of others. It’s not just about what is fair. It is about what is needed, and what is available in terms of resources. Between society and people in general, those things are completely out of balance. There are too many resources allocated to some groups of people and not enough resources allocated to other groups of people. We tend to think that fair means that everyone needs and should have the same resources allocated equally, but that isn’t how people work.
People are different. What I need to feel healthy and well mentally, spiritually and physically is very different from what other people in my life need for those same levels of health and well being. I started thinking about what we need to focus on is what do other people need as basic support for baseline well-being, and then what can support them to move from a baseline of okay to functioning optimally on all levels.
I always start with myself, because I know me best. Most of what I tend to need from others tends to be more mental, emotional, spiritual. I need to feel like I am valued and appreciated, heard and validated. I don’t think those needs are unique to me. I have been in many relationships in my life, both friends and partners. Sometimes those needs were met well in those relationships, sometimes they were not. I also find that I can seek the gratitude and validation I need from inside myself. I don’t “need” external validation to be okay. I need external support in that way because it creates connection and feels like I am not on my own in this huge scary world. We all need different things so we do not feel all alone, those are my things for that.
Like other people, I can be in many relationships and still feel very much alone. It is when the relationships that I am in, see me, value me, care for me emotionally and spiritually that I feel like I am in community. We all need a sense of community to survive. I fully believe that.
I used to think I did not need physical interactions to be well, and I was wrong about that. It is more about the kind of physical interactions that makes a difference. Not that it has to be on my terms, but it does need to be mutual. I had experiences in my life where being physical, not necessarily sexual but that too, was not mutual. Where others were forcing interactions into my space when I didn’t feel safe or didn’t want them. I got prickly about that and then pushed everyone away physically wanting no interactions.
I realize now that I really do crave physical touch from other people, but it does need to be safe. When I have a hug or a touch that is safe and mutually desired and felt in a balance of giving and receiving, that touch feels so good and is really satisfying. I have experienced that with many people in my life too, and I find now that I can feel the difference between touch that demands of me and touch that is balanced and feels safe. I definitely want and need the later of those.
Physically supporting people is more than touch though. It can be about planning and organizing, cleaning, laundry, driving, money, building things, etc. Those other resources put out there for people to share are also important to figure out. I am really good at those things. In my work and personal life, I feel needed and valued by many people for my skills and talents in this area. Being able to share those with other people is also something that meets a need for me. Remember I need to feel valued and appreciated? Well when I do physical things for people and they show appreciation for that, that is also important to my well-being. I need to give support to feel balanced in receiving support, and the reverse is also true. If I give support without receiving support, I get out of balance too. I need to have both in my life for balance. The key is knowing that one type of support is not better or more valuable than another.
If I do your laundry or install an electrical outlet for you, and you give me a hug, to me those are equal efforts of support. I know not everyone sees things that way. For me, if you listen to my rambling ideas about culture and philosophy, and I cook you dinner, we are in balance of support. I have had friends where I do the things I do that are supportive, whether that is listening to their struggles, offering support and encouragement, or driving them to appointments, but there isn’t anything on the other side that feels balanced. When I need an ear or a hug or time or anything, they are not there for me.
In no way is this meant to be a transactional agreement though. I do one thing for you and you do one thing for me. That sort of score keeping does not work for me at all. It isn’t about ensuring we all get equal support. It is about being open to supporting others with the effort we have available and that others are there to support us with the effort they have available. There are times when what I have available for others is really low. I can get depressed, anxious and distracted. I have little to offer then. There are other times when I am feeling great and abundant, and in that space I have a great deal I can offer another person. The available resources we have for others will ebb and flow. We don’t always have to have what others need, and they do not always need to have what we need.
The idea is that we are open to freely give when we have something to give, and receive when we need to receive. That the balance in an open and trusting relationship will naturally just reach a balance over time. If we start keeping score, we will withhold when we might be available to give, because the it’s the other person’s turn. If we do that, then the other person will sense that, and then when we need something, they felt the reserve of that effort, so they try to only give what you gave before, which might be less than you need. It becomes calculating. It is not naturally flowing support.
I also think the balance doesn’t need to exist all in one relationship. We spread around the support we receive and the support we give. It is important to do that in community. One person cannot be the only and everything for support all the time for one other person.
One point on the difference between interdependence and codependence. Interdependence is what I have been describing, a safe space where people can both freely give and receive without needing to keep score because over time, there is a naturally occurring balance that happens in interdependence. Codependence is where one or both people are giving resources beyond their true availability and they are doing that because the other person is not supporting them to replenish their resources through their own free giving. If one or more people can’t give freely or receive freely, then a dependence can happen on one or both sides. The more imbalance occurs the more unhealthy the relationship becomes, and then codependence will happen.
Breaking codependency is hard because the idea is that you need to just give openly in a safe relationship, but if the other person isn’t also doing that, the balance gets off, and then the whole thing gets out of proportion and can become unhealthy. It does take time for this balance to settle in. Some people are really good at being open and giving and receiving. If that is you, you can be patient with someone who might be more reserved in trusting. People’s histories come with them into relationships. If they have been taken advantage of in the past, then they might be resistant to trusting that they will be taken care of when they need it, or that you won’t use the things you give against them in the future. Trust takes time, and so, balanced giving and receiving freely takes time.
If you tend to be the more reserved person, less trusting, try to let go of the old relationships and how those felt, and try to just tune into the new person. Focus on their behavior, not their words. People can say all the right things, but watch what they do. If they say they have your back, and won’t use things against you, then watch what they do when they have opportunities to support you or use things. How do they show up for you over time? Don’t “test” them on purpose, just be open and show up for them. Then watch how they show up when opportunities arise naturally for them to show up for you. In any relationship, you have to allow for some vulnerability in order to allow people to show up naturally for you. Trust that your higher self knows what you need and who you need to teach and support you in life. If this is the right person for you right now, your higher self will tell you.
This has been a longer post, which is not typical for me, but there were some larger ideas here, so wanted to give them the attention they deserve. I still feel like I only brushed the surface of them. I think that the keys to interdependence are trust and flow. You first need to trust others and the universe to have your back, then allow resources to flow from whatever source is ready to give to whomever it is that needs them. There are some exceptions to where you can get your needs met for some things and how, and also remain trustworthy, obviously, and finding a healthy balance in these things is the important point.
-Namaste