What does it mean to be generous? Being generous means giving of your time, attention, money, talents etc. I think that something important to this giving is to do so unconditionally. It’s not a loan of money. It’s a gift. I suppose a loan might also be generous in spirit, though not usually as there are many strings attached to loans, which speaks to transaction vs. openness and giving. If we then define generosity as giving of yourself to others unconditionally, no strings attached, then we are at an understanding of what we are talking about.
Here’s where it goes astray though. If you offer a gift to someone, then expect that they will offer something in return at a later date, you have just put a string on it. Once you tie a string to something, the generosity of it goes out the window. Now it isn’t generous, it’s transactional. Don’t get me wrong. There is nothing wrong with transactional relationships and having a balance of giving and receiving in relationships. It is the expectation that starts to ruin the generosity of it, making it more transactional.
Have you ever been truly generous? Where you give with zero expectations for what you will get? That is a vulnerable place to be sometimes. It can feel like opening yourself up to another person and showing your heart. Showing your heart can be scary. What if the person rejects your generosity? Are they rejecting your heart? Might be that they are. It could also be they are not open to receiving. In order to accept another person’s generosity also requires vulnerability and trust. You have to trust that it is an unconditional gift with no strings, and we tend to doubt that in others. What if there are hidden strings, and I accept the gift, then the strings are presented, and I don’t want them?
Being in a relationship with someone where there are strings on everything and an assumption that everyone else is putting strings on everything is exhausting. No generosity is received freely and no gift is given freely. It breaks trust and causes a relationship to move from generosity to transactionality. Over time, the connection between two people can be broken where you lose the bond and closeness. If you are in a relationship like that, it can be difficult to turn off the skepticism and doubt and just be open to receive and to give. That makes the relationship that may already be challenging that much harder.
In addition to the relationship where that is present being effected, now you might start doubting the generosity of others, and it starts to create a transactional life not just in one but in all relationships. If you are transactional rather than generous, others may view that as how to treat you, and so they will potentially shift in that direction with you, even if that isn’t their nature.
What is the solution? It’s not easy. It involves risk and vulnerability. If you give freely with no strings and unconditional generosity, there is a risk that others might not respond well to that. They might be critical, see you as weak or a push over. They might take advantage of your generosity and start expecting your giving nature. That also ruins generosity too. When others take advantage and start expecting to be given things instead of simply being open to receiving. The thing is, receiving unconditionally is also a risky and vulnerable proposition. What if you believe a gift is generous, and it turns out there were unexpected strings? What if you are receiving and the gift wasn’t what you thought?
Humans put up walls and guards to protect themselves from others. This is why generosity might seem very scarce these days. It takes pulling down walls and showing up with your heart open. Both giving and receiving takes effort at pulling down walls and being open to hurt. Some people might respond negatively to givers and receivers who have open hearts. They might hurt them on purpose or on accident. It is a challenge.
I think I have learned to allow for that discomfort of risk, and to just keep putting myself out there. There are people in my life who will not take advantage of my generous nature, who are also generous with me, and I can learn to receive openly. I am good at the generous thing. It’s the receiving that I struggle with. I don’t like to open up to allow others to give to me. It is really scary sometimes. I think that is based on history of relationships with people who were not givers. Where my generosity was met with expectations rather than openness to the gift. It didn’t squash being generous, but did affect my ability to see generosity in others, which makes me sad, but I am working on it.
It will take practice. My goal is to go back to a space where my heart is open to both giving and receiving without condition or fear. Or if there is fear, I am brave and open my heart anyway. I will get hurt. I know that. Getting hurt won’t stop me though. I want to have open generous relationships with my friends. In order to do that, I have to be open to that. I have to put that out there. So far, it is going well. I am finding that with the true friends I have, it works perfectly. We are all generous with each other with no strings or expectations, and it feels so loving and safe. I do worry about being open to new people, but I am worth having that kind of relationship so I am willing to risk being the person I want to be and trusting that the universe will bring other like minded and hearted people into my life. I don’t have to protect myself from other people’s expectations. I just have to be myself. I got this.
-Namaste