Mark Manson sent an awesome email for his regular Monday notes on humanity stating how three common self-help skills all have proven results as effective in improving people’s well-being. I agree with all three of those techniques and use them all. He spoke of therapy, journaling, and meditation. He also mentioned that in studies the type of therapy does not seem to matter, though some types work better for some people or conditions. I would also suggest that journaling and meditation styles also do not matter, though some probably work better for some people and some conditions as well.
He mentioned a common theme throughout each of the modalities though. He didn’t make a point of stating its importance in the effectiveness of the modalities, just sort that it was a factor. I guess he did say that it was why they all work, so maybe he did make that point. The point being, that they all assist us to get a bit outside of ourselves, our ego, and look at ourselves with a non-judgmental approach as an observer of the self. While most humans spend most of the time, observing things outside of themselves and do very little observing what is going on inside of themselves, done correctly all three of these techniques get us to do just that, see ourselves from an observer point of view.
I meditate, have been in therapy on and off for more than 30 years, and I write sometimes more regularly than others. There have been times when those practices were effective, and times when they were not. When they were not, was when they served not to get me outside of myself, but to drive me further inside of myself as the ego instead of the observer of the self. I have had judgmental vs non-judgmental therapists. I had a couple who considered themselves my friends and talked to me about their problems. By the way, that is a sign you have a bad therapist and why friends do not usually make good therapists.
Friends are more likely to not only judge you but share those judgments with you. Humans judge. All of them do this. Even your non-judgmental therapist judges you. Sorry to say. The good news about that though is that a good therapist keeps their judgments to themselves. This is because they know that their judgments of you are not about you. Just as all human judgments are not about the object of the judgment but the judger. More on that later. A good therapist knows that judging you is not what you need. What you need is separation from judgment and to be able to see yourself more clearly and objectively so that you can see what changes you want and need to make for yourself. That is also how being an observer of self in meditation works, and also how putting your awesome and silly thoughts on paper or computer works. It puts them out there so that you can see them for what they are, just thoughts and emotions, not necessarily the life ending or altering, awful, scary things we often think they are. Just saying things out loud is often very helpful for us to see them more objectively.
But this is about how you can do it wrong. I teach meditation, and I tell people repeatedly that you cannot do meditation wrong. Mostly because if people who struggle with meditation think you can do it right or wrong, they will spend a lot of energy trying to get it right, and well, that is actually what you can do wrong in meditation. Try to get it a specific way of right. The point Mark and I are both making is that you can do therapy, journaling or writing, and meditation in a multitude of ways that are all equally beneficial. They all have one thing in common though, the effect of getting us out of our ego and into a position of observer of self, including ego. If the guide to any of those modalities is doing the opposite, causing a person to become more attached to ego and self without becoming aware of ego and self, they are doing it wrong. It is easy to do it right because all you need to do is relax and stop trying to do it any way at all and just observe.
However, if you know any humans, and I know a few, that can also be a challenging task. As mentioned, all humans judge. It’s a bit of what separates us from animals, the ability to judge. We have to judge to survive. Determining what is good and bad is how we know what choices to make when we eat, choose prey, choose mates, choose jobs, make purchases big and small. We need to judge to make choices in life. I have been practicing honesty with the fact that I am a judgmental person. I do judge others, all of the time I think about what people are doing right and wrong, and good and bad. I often think people are stupid and careless. I have also gotten super clear that those thoughts I have about other people are NEVER about them. (I used to not only think they were about other people, I used to think I was always right about them.) They are ALWAYS about something about me. Take a look at the most judgmental people you know, especially those who share those judgments freely with others. What do their judgments of others seem to have in common with how they behave themselves? Ever notice a similarity there? I have never not noticed it. Including in myself.
The more I judge someone else, the more I see myself in them. Once I can let go of that judgment of them, I can start to actually see them a little bit more clearly. We will always only see others through the lens of ourselves. We can’t help it, but if we can be more of an observer, without judgment, we can see ourselves and others more clearly. That is the point of the big three self-help skills, to see self and others more clearly and objectively. Remember it is not that we can ever see ourselves or others clearly and objectively. We can only achieve the ability to see ourselves and others more clearly than before.
Mark seems to think all humans are awful people and is on a mission to help us be less awful people. I applaud that effort. Many people think they are awful people and might be able to change that if they listened and followed Mark’s advice. I read his emails and blog regularly because I sometimes think I am an awful person too.
I don’t agree that all people are awful. I don’t even think most people are awful people. I do think that many, possibly even most, people think they are awful people. Because they think they are, they act like they are. When we become aware that we are not our thoughts, not our emotions, and can be less judgmental about ourselves, we can also becomes less that about others too. We realize that none of us are awful people. We are all perfect and amazing people who don’t know that about ourselves because all we can see are our judgments and criticisms of everything. The happiest people on earth are the ones who know that this all is so temporary that none of it matters but this moment right now. What do you choose in this one moment? That is all we have is this one moment.
Do you choose to judge and criticize? Do you choose anger and jealousy? You are able to do that. It is your ability as a human. You can also choose other things. No matter what your life is like, you can choose other things to believe and to feel about yourselves and other people. It does not matter if what you believe is true or not. The belief makes it true for you. Whether what you choose to believe is that people suck and are out to get you, or you believe that people care about you and are there to support you. Either thought, either belief is true simply because you believe it. Trust me, I know that people will argue this with me until they cannot breath. They choose that belief, and so it is true. I choose another, and it is also true. Just saying.
If the techniques discussed here, therapy, journaling and meditation solidify your judgments of yourself or other people, they might not be working to improve your well-being. If they allow you to get outside of your ego, even some of the time, and give you space to choose how you want to think and feel in any moment vs allowing ego to dictate those thing to you as prescriptions, they will improve your well-being. If they improve your well-being, however you do them does not matter, you are doing it right. If they do not improve your well-being, you may not be getting the point of them quite right, yet.
The good news about all of the modalities is this; the more you practice them, the greater the chance that you will figure out how to get it right for you. There is not one right way for everyone. There are as many right ways to do them all as there are people who do them. Find a way for you. Find a way to give yourself some space from your ego from time to time so you can see yourself and others a bit more objectively and clearly. You will see you are never as awesome as you think you are AND you are NEVER as awful as you think you are either. AND neither are other people. You can’t be non-judgmental and objectively observing all of the time. That does go against human nature. What you can do is practice getting there from time to time. As you do it, you will find it comes easier and easier to be just an observer and to choose the reality in which you want to live consciously.
-Namaste