Consider the below image. It is the happiness equation. How happy we think we are is proportionally related to our expectations and what reality actually gives us. In other words, Happiness = Expectations – Reality, and where if reality is messier than our expectations, we are less happy. Expectations on the top. Reality on the bottom.
Many people use this to lower their expectations. If I expect nothing, then I am never unhappy or disappointed. Do you know any of those people who are actually happy? Thing to consider is that you can’t just lower your expectations hoping to have reality meet them and expect that to guarantee happiness.
If I lower my expectations hoping for reality to meet them, cause they are low, reality might have a different plan all together, and so low or high, expectations are not met. I am still not happy. It’s not about trying to set our expectations low enough for reality to meet them. It is about how we view reality at all. If we view it like the above, it will do exactly that, subtract from our happiness.
I propose a different idea. Keep your expectations high. Desire life to be exactly what you want it to be, except add to that, reality will mess things up for your benefit. Rather than subtract reality from expectations, add it to them.
In the first diagram, reality subtracts from happiness by not meeting expectations. If we expect messiness and know that what we get is what is best for us in some way, we add a notion of reality to our expectations and bonus, we are happier.
It’s like this. I know where I am going. I have a map. I plan my journey step by step. Then I get out on the road and there are road block and detours. The more of those there are, the more frustrated I get. I didn’t leave time in the plan for those detours or road blocks. I didn’t plan for other people doing stupid things or driving badly, accidents, etc. I will still get to where I am going, but when I get there, where I was always going, I will be frustrated and pissed off, unhappy, because it was a hassle to get there.
Instead, what if, I know where I am going. I have a map. I plan my journey step by step, and then before leaving I think about potential road blocks and detours that will be unexpected. I allow extra time for traffic and other things like this. I have compassion for my personal wrong turns and those of others. In short, I expect that the journey will take longer and have more obstacles than my plan shows or than I can plan for. I will get to my destination in exactly the same amount of time as I did before not planning to be surprised by obstacles. I may even get there faster because I won’t get stuck complaining about the obstacles just dealing with them and moving on. And when I get there to exactly the same place I would end up not planning for obstacles and the facts of reality, I will be happier than if I had not expected any reality to happen.
Realty adds to happiness if we expect it to be messy. It subtracts from our happiness when we expect reality to match our expectations perfectly. It subtracts from happiness when we see reality as as happening to us to harm us. Reality adds to happiness when we see it as necessary and happening for us.
So yes, one way to look at happiness is Happiness = Expectations – Reality OR maybe it is Happiness = Expectations + Reality.
One more thing to consider. What if happiness was overrated? What if the goal in life was not to be happy? What if the goal to life was simply to live it, experience all you can experience, live, love, learn, feel, grow and have a life that is full and meaningful, including all of the obstacles and pain that come with a life fully lived? If being happy wasn’t the goal, but living was the goal, how many of us would care what reality brought in comparison to our expectations anyway? We could eliminate expectations all together from the happiness equation. Reality is what it is, and it is for us, and so it is why we are living this life, so what is this happiness thing about anyway?
Live life. Do not “endure” it. Live it, and expect it to be messy, in all the most beautiful ways that are there for your benefit. You will never be disappointed. Happiness is relative, and overrated.
-Namaste