Listening to Brene Brown I am realizing something important about other topics I spend time working through, and teaching others. Accountability and Responsibility are topics I constantly focus attention on. I realize in listening to her series on vulnerability that both accountability and responsibility require levels of vulnerability. Vulnerability is allowing your true self to be seen, being brave enough to show up authentically, and deal with whatever acceptance or rejection that might bring. If you cannot be vulnerable, it can be a challenge to be authentic, accountable, and responsible because to do any of those, you have to expose yourself to potential rejection. Yes, people might be kind and compassionate when you are accountable for a mistake, and they might not. The fear of rejection keeps many people from showing up in life fully, being authentic, accountable and responsible for themselves and their actions. Vulnerability is not, not being afraid. Vulnerability is being afraid or not being afraid, and doing it regardless of if you are or are not. It is easier to be vulnerable when you feel safe, but you may not always feel safe. The key is to be able to be vulnerable even when you don’t.
Now, I am not saying open up and expose your inner demons to strangers. I do mean showing up as yourself authentically no matter where you are. Also, if you are afraid and you don’t, don’t shame yourself for that. Vulnerability is not an all or nothing game. It’s not you are or you are not vulnerable as a total person. It is measured in moments. In this moment, what is your choice, why is that your choice, and own that choice whatever it is. I may choose not to be vulnerable with some people in some situations, and that is okay. It does not make me a bad person. If I never choose to be vulnerable, I am still not a bad person. I am choosing safety. I personally believe that if we are never vulnerable, we will have a hard time connecting with other people.
Previous article was about shame. People in a shame state are not usually so up for vulnerability. It is hard to put yourself out there when your fundamental self identity is, “I am not good enough or worthy of love and approval.” It can be hard to feel safe to be who you are and show up. It can be hard to be held accountable for mistakes or even perceived mistakes. It can make it a challenge to even consider talking about anything less than perfect about yourself because you immediately fall into a shame state. A shame state is a fight, flight or flee (fff) state. Really hard to be vulnerable and show up in that state.
What can we do about it though? What I am learning is that none of this is in isolation. We cannot be vulnerable without managing our shame. We cannot be accountable and responsible without being at least a little bit vulnerable. We need to be able to cultivate a sense of fundamental self-worth and lovability within ourselves so that we can be resilient to our shame triggers and still show up for life authentically. Otherwise, accountability and responsibility get really hard to do. Anytime someone brings something to our attention that might challenge our sense of self worth, we hit the panic button and go into and fff state. That tends to shut us off from connection.
One suggestion that Brene makes is when you feel that shame trigger happening, name it, share it, and have compassion for yourself and others. It is helpful if you are interacting with someone in a shame state to be empathetic and compassionate toward them while they navigate their way out of it. That means working along side them to find their way. It does not mean fixing it or trying to make it go away. It means being with them in it, without taking it on or trying to direct it, and walking with them through their process, whatever that might be. I can admit that is difficult for me to do.
I tend to want to fix things quickly and take care of people so they do not have to feel unpleasant emotions. Well, that does not actually help them or me, so I am learning to not do that. If I want accountability and responsibility from others in my relationships, first thing to do is be vulnerable enough to be accountable and responsible for myself in that relationship. I have to be the person I want to see in the world. It also means to be able to hold others accountable too. That is a struggle because our society thinks this means blaming people, telling them they are unworthy, and ensuring they get the proper punishment or shaming that they deserve. Seriously, that is NOT helpful. It is actually damaging and cultivates more shame and so more lack of accountability and responsibility. What holding people accountable really means is drawing attention to actions and their affects on surroundings from the only perspective we truly have, our own, then working with that person to find their own perspective and ownership of those action. While at the same time, being accountable and responsible for our part in whatever is going on. I hope that people do that with me when I mess up. I hope that I am able to do that compassionately with others when they do, though sometimes I am not so good at that.
In order for people to be accountable and responsible, they need to feel safe enough to be vulnerable and both see and show themselves. While other humans, supervisors, friends and family, cannot make it safe for people to show up, we can do our best to not contribute to the fear that someone already has. We can do that by not being judgmental of a person, and being neutral when we discuss their actions, by having compassion for how they feel and acknowledging their value and courage in being vulnerable and accountable. We can do that by separating a person’s actions from who they are as a person. What you do is not who you are. You may not always act in congruence with who you are, and you may not be proud of those actions, but they are not who you are. Fundamentally, we are all worthy, lovable, and amazingly brave humans just trying to figure this thing out. No one is immune to this struggle. We can have compassion for that, and give people space to learn how to show up. As an employer, supervisor, trainer, life coach, mentor and facilitator, I see that as my primary job duty, to work with people to find their way to show up authentically. I know it can be tough, and I am not always successful at it myself, and I keep trying and doing my best, as we all do. That is resiliency. Keep trying. Everything takes practice, including vulnerability, including accountability and responsibility. Cut yourself and everyone else a little slack and grant us space to practice.
-Namaste