I believe the biggest barrier to connection with others is shame. I’ve been listening to Brene Brown. She is a researcher and social worker. She researches things like shame and vulnerability. I have not fully grasped the concepts in what she is saying in the series I am listening to, but I get this: shame is a barrier to relationship health, as well as, individual health. The hardest part about this is that in order to stop shame from destroying a person, it has to be brought out into the light and be seen. But no one wants to show off their shame. No one wants to talk about their shame. No one wants to admit they even have shame. So, it stays hidden, and then dictates our behavior because we are unaware of what it is and why its there. Shame controls ego. Ego wants to be protected, and shame tells it that it must fight!
There are actually several possible reactions to feeling shame. A person might deny they have it. They might wallow in it. They might fight back. It’s fight, flight or hide. No matter what they do, it makes it hard to connect with others.
Here’s the thing with shame, it says to you, “You are not . . . enough.” Fill in the blank with lovable, smart, skinny, tall, funny, compassionate, loving, etc. What Brene says makes a lot of sense to me. I deal with and have dealt with my fair share of shame, and I know when I am brave enough to call out my shame and name it, it gets smaller, and I grow in confidence and courage. I had no choice but to deal with my shame because the alternative to that was to kill myself. I chose to live and deal with my shit, but that was not an easy task. During several periods of my life my journey to become whole and manage my shame gremlins has cost me everything from relationships to money and my home. Probably a job once also.
The only way I managed to still be here is that other people didn’t give up on me, and more importantly, I did not give up on me.
Brene says we deal with shame by naming it, sharing our story of what triggered it, and having it met with empathy and compassion. I have done those first two many times, and sometimes I was met with empathy and compassion and sometimes I wasn’t. Regardless of how I was met when I confronted my shame, I got better at dealing with it.
I work with and know humans. That means that I am surrounded by people dealing with shame issues, you know, cause they are humans. I cannot say I have mastered my shame. What I can say is that I have gotten a pretty good handle on it. I can also say that I understand what is needed when I feel it. The main ingredients for managing shame is vulnerability and trust. I have to be able to be vulnerable to feeling shame, to feeling whatever is there, and I have to trust other people to see me. That is the definition of vulnerability, being able to show up and be truly seen by others. That takes courage.
Something important to remember is that shame is different from guilt. Guilt is about the action you took or thing you did. Guilt is that feeling that I did something I am not proud of. I feel bad about doing that action. Shame is about who you are as a person. Shame says, I did that thing, and I am a horrible person. That is why it is so hard to look at our actions when we are in shame. If we feel guilty, we don’t want to admit we are imperfect, but we know that it is an action and not who were are. When we feel shame, it is no longer about the action, it is about our core value and worth as a person. That is much harder to try to bring to light. We don’t want anyone to see that we are worthless.
But we are not worthless! Everyone has the same value and worthiness. It has taken me years to realize that this everyone includes me. And the ways in which I reinforce this to myself is by using guilt to be accountable for my actions and make amends when I can. I also call out my shame and expose it to the light whenever I can. I am working now on being authentic in what I am experiencing. It starts a conversation with people that might not feel super great all of the time. Connection is important to human wellbeing. We cannot feel connected if we are not presenting our true selves, and if we are so worried about being accepted that we hide our true selves. Even if people do like us, we are always worried they will see who we really are and reject us. Only if we are true to who we are can we feel safe in any connection, but to be authentic takes vulnerability and the willingness to put yourself out there. If we are mired in shame, we can’t put ourselves out there because we are pretty sure who we are is not worthy of being loved, so why would we show that.
Then every time we make a mistake, behave in ways we are no proud of, say something, do something, be something that someone else does not approve of, we take that personally and beat ourselves up saying we are awful people and of course no one loves us. The world tends to be pretty intolerant of people who show up authentically. It also does not hold anyone accountable for being inauthentic. It nearly demands we hide our true selves to be accepted. But that does not work to create connection.
I am only half way through the Brene Brown series, and I need to listen to it several times to really understand, but this is my initial take. When I combine what I am learning there with the Rewired stuff with Dr. Joe, my rewiring is about my reaction to both my own shame and the shame of others. I have been intolerant of other people’s shame at times. Mostly that is because I was trying to fix it and couldn’t. I realize that I cannot fix that for people. I can do my best to support them to work on it themselves, but they also have to want to do that. What I can do, per Brene, is show up for them, be empathetic, and meet their shame with light and compassion.
Empathy is an evolving idea for me. I talked about it in a previous article. The difference between empathy and projection. Brene is on board with that idea but does not call it that. She says that true empathy is being with people in their experience and seeing things from their perspective. Like if you are in a hole and calling out for help. Empathy sees you in the hole and jumps in the hole with you. It does not take on the pain of the whole as its own, but is there with you in the hole and feeling with you, not for you, with you. It is saying to the person in the hole, I am here with you to support you to get out of this hole. I will work with you to find a solution, side by side.
Sympathy then is seeing you in the hole and staying above on the edge and saying, gee I’m sorry you are in a hole. That must be hard for you. Good luck with that. I do sympathize with people sometimes, and do not wish to get in their hole with them. I am human and sometimes I honestly do not have the energy to jump in everyone’s holes with them. I am also empathetic a number of times and do jump in. I also make mistakes in how I show up with people. I tend to want to fix it for them, tell them how to fix it and get frustrated when they don’t get fixed. I am practicing doing none of that. It is the person’s hole, so they do have to figure it out for themselves. Empathy does not take on the person’s stuff and try to fix it. Empathy and compassion is simply there to support the person to find their way out of the hole. I want to be someone who works side by side with others. I am not entirely certain what that looks like, but I am trying to figure it out. I am hoping that the Brene series will assist with that.
-Namaste