As you learn to be aware of your own thoughts and emotions, an extension of that will become being accountable and responsible for them. You are entirely accountable and responsible for every thought and feeling that you have. Other people’s actions and events that happen in your environment will influence how you think and feel, and you are the one who chooses those thoughts and feelings. It is our perceptions that determine our thoughts and feelings, not what is happening outside of us.
The thing to remember is that we are basing our thoughts about the world around us on our past experiences. We filter everything new through everything past. Those filters then compound as we have more and more experiences, until we can predict every experience in our lives based on our past. One problem with that, we can predict our future because we can only see the past.
People will see and hear what they want to see and hear, and only that. If I have a preconceived notion that bad things happen to me, what I will notice in my environment are the bad things that are happening. Each thing that happens will be adjusted to notice what is bad about it. If I believe that good things happen to me, when I look at what is happening, I will adjust my perceptions to notice what is good. One of these views is not right and one is not wrong. They are both correct for their own perception. They might be viewing the exact same situation and be seeing completely different things based on their perception of things. This is humanity. We say, “I know my future because it will look like my past, and I know this because I will look for and find the evidence for it.”
A mindful human is aware of this truth of how we see the world. An accountable human does not blame the world for how they see it. An accountable human knows that it is they that create the world in which they live, not the world that creates them. A responsible human knows that if they want to change their world, only they have the power to do that. If you want a different experience, you need to have different thoughts and different emotions. Same thoughts, same emotions, same experiences. Different thoughts, different emotions, different experiences, and only you can make those changes, and only for yourself.
To practice awareness and accountability, say out loud to someone what you are accountable for. Sounds like, “I think, I feel, I am experiencing . . .” Try not to be accountable for other people’s thoughts, feelings and experiences, only your own. You are not the cause of what others experience, even if you were trying to create their experience and that is the experience they had. For example, you attempt to make someone mad by pushing their buttons. You are still not accountable for their experience. You are accountable for your intentions to create their bad experience, but not their experience itself. They can still choose to not be affected by your actions or be affected. Totally their choice. Hard as that choice might be.
If you have a thought or experience of someone else, and wish to be accountable for it, it sounds like, “I think you are feeling, thinking, or experiencing . . . is that accurate for you?” It is also important to not try to make them believe that they really are thinking or feeling what you perceive, so not argue with them about it, if their answer is, “No, that is not accurate.” You can respond accountably, “I am struggling with my thoughts about that, sorry.” You can also be specific and ask a question, “If that is not accurate, when you said or did . . . what did you mean? or what were you experiencing?”
It is possible that you are perceiving the person accurately, but that is actually more rare than you think. We project our stuff on other people all of the time and are wrong most of the time, no matter how awesome we think we are at reading people. It is all still coming through our perceptions. We might be partially correct or not correct at all. Whatever the other person wishes to believe about their experience, positive or negative, that is theirs to be accountable for, not ours. We can clarify to attempt to understand, but if we do not, we need to let that go and allow the person their own space to work it out for themselves.
If someone is attempting to put their stuff on you, it can be a challenge to not become defensive telling them to be accountable for their own stuff. When I experience this in my life, I get frustrated and angry at times. Here is what I am currently attempting to practice. In what the other person has to blame me for, I am accountable for the things I said and did, not their experience of them, but my own intentions, motivations and actions. I try to take ownership of those like this, “I believe I said . . ., and I did . . . My intention was . . . because I was thinking . . .” If they directly want me to say that I am accountable for something they think, that I did not do, say or intend, I try to respond as politely as possible, “That part is not mine. I am accountable for . . .” and repeat what I said before. We are not accountable for another person’s interpretation of us, even if we are attempting to influence them. They still get to choose how to see us, good, bad or indifferent.
Bottom line, there is a lot of blaming going around this world and not a lot of accountability. How about we become accountable for ourselves? Be mindful and aware of how we act, what we say, what we think, and what we are intending to create in the world, and take accountability for it. Then take responsibility for what we create in the next moment as we choose our next thought, action, emotion or experience in life. Choose mindfully and intentionally what you want to create for yourself. You cannot create for others. That is their responsibility.
-Namaste