We previously established my theories that people fear criticism from others because they cannot control what others think or feel about them, but they want to control it. They want to control it because they have a need to be connected and feel accepted by others. This need is a natural and normal need for humans as we are all part of the same energy source or soul attempting to reconnect our parts into one whole. You don’t have to agree with all of that for sure, to at least admit that people fear rejection and loss of esteem from others i.e. criticism. It’s why we fear many things in our lives, because they have the potential to result in others criticizing us.
This fear can paralyze us when we need to make a decision, stop us from acting when we need to move, keep us from reaching out when we need help, and cause us to self-soothe the anxiety with harmful addictions or actions. The previous are the reasons we need to discuss this. There is nothing wrong with wanting to connect, be accepted or liked by others. The problem only comes when the fear over not being connected, accepted or liked becomes a barrier to your functioning in the world, when it starts to cause you harm, or harms others.
If you are like me and pretty much every other person I know, fear or anxiety about what others think of you has caused you to act or react in ways that have harmed you or other people. Defensiveness is my biggest harmful response to people criticizing me. When I am defensive, I can’t listen to what people are saying or asking for. When I can’t listen, I can’t do anything to grow or change based on their feedback. I can’t even hear it. Criticism, while strictly one person’s opinion, can be useful to us, if we can hear it. When I stay open and calm, stop worrying that the criticism means anything about me as a person, and try to hear what the person is expressing about their needs or wants, I can actually hear what they are saying. When I can hear them, then I can choose how I respond. When I get defensive, all other choices are gone. I chose to block their feedback with defense, and no other options are available until I let down the defense.
That blocks us from connecting to one another, learning from one another, and being able to truly be open to a full relationship. If we are not open to hearing other people’s thoughts about us, then we are not open to them in other ways too. We close our minds, then our hearts will follow. We shut down opportunities to grow together, and we start growing apart. Relationships have ended for less than that.
How do I stay open? I have to be open to whatever anyone has to say. I have to be open to being told I am a horrible person, and to being told I am amazing. I can’t choose only one of those things, interestingly enough. If I think I am only open to praise, and I shut out negative feedback, I am actually wrong. If I shut out negative feedback, I am also shutting out praise or positive feedback too. I hear nothing but my own thoughts about myself. Only being open to all feedback allows us to accept any feedback.
Now I am not saying that I believe all feedback or have to believe all feedback regardless of what or by whom it is being said. I have to filter it, which all humans do. I try to filter it through as much neutrality as I am able to. If I am actually open to hearing any criticism or feedback, then I have to be open to it being true, as well as open to it not being true. I have to learn to weigh out what is being said against my belief in myself to know what I want to do with the information.
That is the problem for most people. Weighing criticism against their personal beliefs about themselves often causes the problem. If I start with a low opinion of myself, someone gives me negative feedback, I will add that to the list of things that I think suck about me. If I have a view of myself that says I am awesome, and someone says something negative, I can weigh that against my own experience of me, see that perhaps it is true in this one situation, but it isn’t true all of the time. I can then choose if I want to change or not, do something or not, be something different or not. In the first scenario, if all negative criticisms do is pile onto the list of how terrible I am, I probably won’t think I can change, be different or do anything different because that is just who I am. I suck. If I can see the information as neutral, not meaning anything about me as a whole human but perhaps one way I might be seen, I can choose how I want to respond to that.
I might say, well, I don’t want to change for that person, or I want to change so that person has an easier time with me. The point is, if I am open to it, then I can choose what I do. If I am not open to it, the choice is made before it is even considered. I either reject all feedback as not true, or accept all feedback as true. Neither is actually true, and both can be harmful. I have to have a healthy opinion of myself to start with though. I cannot filter feedback through eyes that can’t see myself clearly. I have to have faith in myself. I have to believe in my fundamental goodness and value. If I don’t, all feedback will be filtered through the damaged lens of my personal self-esteem. If IÂ have low self-esteem, I am more likely to see and hear others feedback as negative, whether it truly is or not. If I have health self-esteem, I am more likely to weigh feedback neutrally and intelligently and use is to my benefit. Whether that be to affirm myself, grow, or change or simply acknowledge my humanity. I am not perfect, but I see my own value, and I have faith in myself.
This was not always true, as some of you might know. I spend most of my life thinking the world would be better off if I was dead. I never thought I would live past 20, let alone into my 50s. Each day I struggled to find a reason to live, and I was able to find something. The more I struggled to find reasons, the more reasons I found. Eventually, it wasn’t so much of a struggle anymore. I just knew there was a reason I was alive, valued, and important member of society. It was hard work to get here. Making daily choices of whether to live or die is difficult. I was more successful some days than others. While I never took my life, I was highly self-destructive for many years. I was lucky I lived on many occasions. The point of mentioning this is that I have learned to love and value myself. In so doing, I have opened more space for others to have their own thoughts and opinions about me than ever before. From those, I am learning more than I ever could before. I have learned to be vulnerable to be strong, be open to be safe, and be defenseless to be able to love others unconditionally. It has been a journey of many years, and I am here to say, it can be done.
However, you have to want to do it. You have to want to be open, vulnerable, and accepting. You might have to change. You might have to work hard to change. You might have to practice, take actions you are uncomfortable with, and open your mind to new ideas and heart to new feelings. Are you ready for that? Do you want to have a different life bad enough to be different? If the answer is yes, I want something different and am willing to do and be different to get that, keep checking back to my blog. I will keep trying to share what I have learned that got me to where I am today. I am not perfect, and never will be, but I am exactly who I am meant to be today in this moment, and I love who that is. You too can love yourself and others unconditionally. In the words of one of my favorite people, “If you can’t love yourself, how the hell you gonna love anybody else?”
-Namaste